The choice was made for me.

Here I thought choosing what I wanted to do with continuing with this process this month and the decision was made for me. I went to the dr this morning to get my baseline ultrasound to start a new month of treatment and found that I have HUGE cysts this time. I have set a new record for myself. I have a 6.8cm 68mm cyst on my right ovary along with a 14mm. I also have a 4.5cm, 3.7cm 22mm, and 11mm cyst on my left. Needless to say I am not allowed to continue for a month or more depending on what these cysts do. I have been put on a birth control for the month and possible cysts aspiration on the right ovary on July 27th. I will then have a period and possibly be able to do this again in a month. Im pissed off, hurt and upset. I cannot believe this keeps happening!! Ive already been here within the last 5 months... how come my body keeps forming these huge non functional cysts yet I cannot produce EGGS?! First I have issues forming any type of follicle and then I super form cysts not FOLLICLES! This is not fair. I just watched a women (casey anthony) get away with murder and although I have one child I cannot even produce other children, but a women gets away with killing her's. I have said this so many times but yes thank God I had Grayson... I cant imagine the pain some women feel having to go thru this for years without success of one child. I am grateful, but it doesnt make this journey any easier. I am just confused of why this is happening the way it is. My period was pretty light considering my period last month. I have not had to wear a tampon constantly... its not a full flow. They still took a pregnancy test today though, which I feel like is a waste of time, but its protocol for going on birth control I guess. After all the emotions this weekend.... had I just known before today I had cysts and I wouldnt be able to go on I would have felt so much better. Maybe not "better" but I wouldnt have had so many up and downs about yes or no's. I would have been better prepared then going in today with the full intention of doing this again.

Stats: CD 4 with huge cysts on both ovary's. Birth control (which Ill post the name next time) for 21 days with another ultrasound to see what growth is, if larger possible rupture of fallopian tube and ovary, or if pain or discomfort begins call the dr with cyst aspiration. If I have sudden heavy bleeding im instructed to call my dr right away. If I feel sudden abdominal pain im also supposed to call my dr right away. So far though... looks like im out for a month or more. Completely disappointing and frustrating.

Sitting at a crossroad....

So im faced with the decision of trying this again another month. Finacially IUI's are not cheap, but IVF is much more expensive. My heart is telling me dont give up because even though this would be a life changing expierence, I really do want more children. Is it the right time? Is it responsible? Would it be good for Ben and I with the added stress of another baby? Is it finacially safe? How would this affect Grayson? How would I work? How would I afford daycare for 2 children? Will we be able to afford health insurance? Could I manage to love and equally play with 2 babies? I know it my heart I could make this all happen... I am a good mother, and I am smart. How do other families survive with children? Im sure I could do it. Am I 100% certain im at the point in my life where I am absolutely sure? No, sadly I dont think thats possible when contiplating expanding a family. The IUI's are costing us $1500 a month and if we are still floating above water there has to be a way we can survive.... but there that devil on my shoulder is saying once Ben is home from this deployment we dont have a guarenteed income. I dont think I could possibly do another deployment.... this one has been hard enough after 6 months. My dr thinks I should move on to the IVF route, but that cost over or around $15,000!!!!! So $1500 doesnt seem so bad when put into those terms. Ive been faced with the decision to keep going or to take some time off fertility treatments and wait till Ben returns home in 4 months. My brain says YES you should wait, save the money, save the heartache, and concentrate on other things...... but my heart is aching saying no you cant get up. I am not sure what inside of me is pulling me towards this road so hard. Is it my true enternal clock thats ticking so loudly? What makes this process so hard to walk away from... when really im not walking away? My dr's say its completely up to you, Ben says you make that choice baby you havent made the wrong choice yet, my parents lay everything out on the table with the pros and the cons.... and this has truely been up to me.... so what makes this so hard? The money concerns me... especially after FINALLY getting up on my feet. I finally have a full time job with a steady income and strict rutine. Could I really do this? Of course I can... right? I am very unsure... maybe its the emotion...maybe its that im really unsure at this point. I am not sure if our extended family would really support us having another child with how hard Grayson was on us in the begining. 2010 was a harrrrd year for us. My health issues come into play alot of the time also... Is it safe for me after ALL thats wrong and all thats happen. Our grandmother is concerned this isnt safe after seeing Grayson's birth and hearing about my uterin issues. She sharred with me over the weekend that she had fibroids in her uterus that caused her to bleed ALOT and she had a hysterectomy after 4 children around the age of 40. I had NO idea..... she is willing to help up out a bit this month but she voiced her concern about money and life. Which makes me feel that much more unsure of what to do. I called my mother 4 times to ask for her opinion... and I kept calling back saying ok I think ive made a choice to try again.... and then oh I dont know! I dont know what to do! Then back to ok yes im really do this.

So tomorrow I go back to the Dr for my baseline ultrasound and a new treatment plan. I keep telling myself I can back out whenever I want. I dont have to go thru with this... But I can keep going to the dr since we dont have to pay for cycle management...and seeing how much all this costs is a blessing right now. I can go in and see if I ovulate on my own, and call this cycle a bust again without spending a thousand dollars... or I could accept Grandmas help and do this again with a little boost finacially. I can ethier give this one more try and follow a new treatment plan to the T, or I could decide to wait... my God why is this such a hard decision!?

The unlikely life.... failed IUI #2.

This cycle was a DISASTER!!! Nothing went like it was supposed to! Nothing! Nothing is working right! Nothing is going right! I have been a complete mess today. I dont even know where to start really because I didnt get the chance to really write this cycle due to all the factors in my life right now, and not having the time at night after work to sit at my computer and vent. As the title reads IUI #2 is a fail. A HUGE fail. I tried so hard to stay hopeful thru this whole month, but I dont have the support to be emotional stable thru this. So around 9dpiui I had a major BBT drop... 98.1 to 97.4 and by that night I had began spotting so I knew this was over. BUT seeing that it was only 9 days past I thought there is still hope. (I was wrong obviously) I went to the dr with a menstrual cycle to get blood work. I had another consultation with my Dr who thought it was still too early, that everything looked good so far, I had plenty of follicles and my progesterone was an 8 and she was pretty optimistic that was a good thing and that if I wasnt pregnant we needed to look harder into this, that things just wouldn't match up. Well they did an entire hormone strip on me and today I got what I took as devastating news. Its over, this cycle is a bust, for unknown reasons. My progesterone is only a 3.1 and my estrogen below a 6 and they want to see it over a 25 if fertilization had taken place, my thyroid normal though (so thats good). I have been taken estrace an estrogen supplement and also progesterone suppositories that are supposed to support the progesterone in my system but talking to the nurse today she thinks maybe its time to up the dosage or be on possible indictable HORMONES not just ovulatory hormones. They are not sure why my body just completely rejected everything this time. It seems like this whole cycle was "try me". A giant experiment! What a waste of money.... So now they are suggesting we stop wasting our time and out of pocket money and move to IVF... after all the money in my situation is a HUGE factor. This is by no means a cheap process... we began doing this because we have health insurance this year only. But.... our insurance doesnt cover fertility drugs, only cycle management and we have to pay for IUI and IVF out of pocket. BUT ultrasounds, blood work, procedures are all paid for so all in all we are still somewhat winning. The ovulation drugs cost the most... this month alone we paid for over $1000 in bravelle, plus $400 for IUI. Follistim seems to be what I reacted to the best but Follistim is $1700 over the counter. If money was no object id be fine. So here we are 2 failed cycles and 6 months worth of bad news and bad tests and bad hormones and no luck getting ANYWHERE.

The dr offered to put my name on the list of an IVF study, but I have to meet the requirements which I believe are going to be impossible considering all the issues I have. If I get chosen to do an IVF study then they will pay up to 12,000 dollars worth of meds and procedures... meaning id only have to pay for $5000-$7000 and we can get financing. Outrageous right. This means more to me then it probably should, and I wish everyone around me could see how much this hurts me and how much this means to me. It affects me every day and although I am extremely blessed and lucky I have Grayson, I just cant shake this. I haven't been able to accept this since I gave birth to Grayson. Nobody understands.

They want me to do all these screenings now, and possibly another laproscopic surgery to check my fallopian tubes. They think they could be twisted again. Apparently my right tube was all kinds of twisted back in February and the right was blocked by adhesion's. I also have fibroids, PCOS, and now a huge hormonal imbalance. OHHH not to mention she told me I could have hostile cervical mucus due to the Montgomery stitch and all the cervical dysplasia. Ive had so many things done to my cervix over the years, and she thinks that I could have had a part of my cervix cut out that produces the good fluid to help sperm survive. Well that puts a huge wrench in this. Why me? Why do I have to go thru all this? I didnt ask for this! I didnt do anything to deserve this! I see all these women getting pregnant after a one night stand, with married men, who do drugs, who have beat their children, who have drank and smoke thru their whole pregnancy, who gave birth and dont even WANT to be around their children, who pass their kids from persn to person so they can go out and party or do whatever the fuck they want. But me??? I WANT, truly deeply WANT more children and I cant have that. I do good in my life. I do good things!! I dont use people, or destroy people, or steal from people! I dont CHEAT ON MY HUSBAND. Im not a whore! I dont cheat my way thru life. I do GOOD!!! I am a good mother!!! I do everything for my child. EVERYTHING. Why cant this be easier on me? Why does everyone just walk all over me like im shit. Why do people do things behind my back and say nasty things about me to family and friends? Why am I just shit on by everything and everyone? Nothing is making sense to me right now. NOTHING. I have NO control over ANYTHING in my life. None. And no that doesn't make me a control freak! It means I should have some right in my own life, and I dont. Things are still happening I DONT want to in every aspect of my life....with Grayson, with my health, with my job, with Bens deployment, with money, family, everything. I know there are things I wont agree with but how come I have no voice.


This hurts more then anyone can obviously see or understand. This is more then I can even comprehend myself. Im so sad this time. I thought this would be easier, but its not. I would say this is all emotions but I truly feel this way right now. Ive been feeling this way, but I try so damn hard to hold it together. I try so damn hard to be nice to everyone and not show my feelings because so many people say its wrong or irrational. Im hurting. Im hurting physically, mentally, and especially emotionally. I know tomorrow will be a better day. One day stronger, one day wiser, and one day closer to where I want to be. I cant stop crying today. I cant stop asking why. I cant stop looking at my life like this is beating me. I cant stop thinking about all these issues. I need Ben home. I need a better support system. I need better friends. I need to be stronger for me and Grayson. I appreciate everything I have, and I have alot to show for everything Ive worked to get. I just dont understand why I have to live this unlikely life. Why do I want the thing nature is telling me I cant have?


This journey has gotten so much harder then I ever imagined it being.


The stats: 11dpiui, hello period goodbye follies. No cm, no symptoms, just an emotional wreck. Bbt is the low 97's, progesterone below an ovulatory scale, estrogen back to step 1. I dont have a plan, I dont have a schedule, I dont know what happens next. I call on Sunday to speak to the nurse after she looks over some of my chart and previous procedures with my dr and I decide what happens with the money. I could keep going if money grew on trees. I feel like I cant give up, but I have no choice. *deep breath* I can survive this but its not that easy to dust under the rug.



:*(

Here we are again.

Today is 10dpiui and I started a period already. First off I want to state some facts: I started a period becasue I took $1000 worth of ovulatory drugs to INDUCE ovulation to INDUCE a period. Had I not paid all this money this month to induce ovulation I can almost fully guarentee I would not be on a period. . I was NOT having periods before I started injections, half the reason I have been in and out of the dr since I turned 13 years old! Nobody understands the emotional toll this has taken on me since January, sadly not even Ben and hes been here the most. This has been a huge part of my life the last few months, yet im NOT entitled to have emotions, not with family in town. They come first. Im supposed to set aside my dissapointment and my hurt and fake a smile for others. When I want to talk about the process nobody wants to listen. Im supposed to hide this entire journey from everyone around me because of judgement. Im sick of that. Im sick of working damn hard for everything to constantly be JUDEGED!!!! Im sorry I work, I take care of my child (unlike 90% of other girls around me) I pay my bills, I have a roof over my head, I buy my own groceries, I buy things to take care of my family, I even freakin help everyone around me and yet IM the one whos judged. Why are women not allowed to have more then 1 child PLANNED?! So what I want MORE CHILDREN? Why cant anyone be supportive or mindful of me or my feelings??? This blog was made so I can vent about this process of IVF and the emotional journey it is. This is my SECOND failed IUI and YES IT ABSOLUTELY HURTS!!!!!!! So instead of having someone to talk to about this I have to secretly hurt or talk about everyone elses issues like faked suicide calls.

Im itching to test...ugh!

So I lasted about a week before I got that itch to test.... I know I shouldnt but I think I just might....

Stresses

Today is almost 6 dpiui and 7 dpo! Moving along I suppose... but all this stress in my life is making this process hard for me to get thru. I am tired of babysitting adults, I need to take care of MYSELF not everyone else. I swear I think if this doesn't happen for me this time I only have one person to blame. My brother. I shouldn't be having to deal with his wild issues. I am younger then him, yet...... I have to take care of him. Its seriously stressing me out! I have cramps still today, still this crazy bloating stuff. My cramps are still bad enough to be verrrry noticeable. I do have the cramps more so on the left side today though...hmm.... I looked for my cervix again, and I think its higher then last time, and tilted towards the back. My CM is still not that bad as last month, just the usual around this time...nothing out of the norm. This will be a short post because Grayson and I are webcaming but I did want to note that im still having pretty bad cramps, bloating, and maybe gas? Maybe im not sure? Its gas pains I guess without the gassyness lol.

O.M.G Did I have this last time?

Today is Thursday making this 4 days post iui, and 5 days post ovulation. I have had constant achy cramps in my uterus, not my ovary's, since MONDAY! I have actually had the last two days off work and spent them tyring my best to lay down as much as possible. I feel bad but I took my son to daycare half days (9-2) both days this week for the first time. :( But Tuesday it felt like I had ruptured a cyst, but now im not sure if thats what it was. I napped for about 3 hours on wed which I NEVER DO... so part of me feels like that was good for me to FINALLY get to do, although I felt guilty as hell. I cramped ALL day yesterday, and part of me kept looking back saying oh it only lasted one day last time so ill wake up and it will be over and then what? Today I took Grayson to daycare again, because I did not sleep at all last night due to some family drama. Everyone thought I was the drama queen! LOL I think this one has me beat ;) anyways... I didnt sleep but a few hours off and on, and because I dont want my son around fighting or arguing I decided to take him to daycare today. I was able to sleep a few hours today, and when I got up my uterus still hurts. I have googled these symptoms looking for ANYTHING "Uterus feels like its ripping" "ripping uterus after IUI" "Uterus cramps after IUI" "Uterine cramping horribly" and I didnt really find anything helpful. I called my dr today to let them know I was really hurting, and that I didnt think these were cramps. My RE said that it sounded like muscle separation from the uterus and the stomach walls... which could be from bloating or implantation, but its wayyy to really to know anything about being pregnant and that she advised me to lay down as much as possible and take some Tylenol and ibuprofen for swelling. Ive been doing all that and I still feel like I cant bare down in that area because it hurts so bad! I know I am sensitive to pain but in all honestly I just bitch alot, but this is something that I feel has been constant and pretty awful.

Stats: 4dpiui, 5 dpo CRAMMMMMMMMMMMPS!!!!!!! Bad bad bad bloating/cramps/ripping sensation in uterus, not tubes, not ovary's, centralized pain in UTERUS! UGHH.... my bbt was only 97.7 this morning which is NOT good.... but I didnt sleep a full night so im gonna say thats a bust. I looked for my cervix finally and its sorta high this time, I had to at least try and find it, it was tilted back and felt a bit soft and open. I know I shouldn't look into that ethier... all I know is low=period. Its a known fact so either way if it stays low, or moves to a lower position that i should be starting my period. Last month it was pretty much low the entire time, open and soft... so hello. CM is nothing really actually.... I havent started my progesterone... I know shame on me but that made me have alll sorts of nasty discharge and I know I should take them but part of me is like why? It doesnt actually do anything.... idk ok ok ill do it tonight. Maybe that will help the cramping? I am still irritable, but honestly, and really honestly I think im irritated with things at home.... with people that are in town... it wasnt so bad until the fighting non stop started.... and that they dont know when they are leaving..... mannnnnn they cant stay here so my parents will be helping me with that. So thats really it.

*I thought I would note that I have been eating slushies again like I was OBSESSED with when I was pregnant with Grayson <3 Could be that im really dehydrated, but yummmy... I think ill make another one now :) Maybe these cramps are implantation, I would hope so, then it would be worth it. Maybe things are happening... I could only hope. This is the only thing that keeps me sane... HOPE..... its all I got right now, especially with my husband away. Dealing with things alone is HARD, if it wasnt for my Mother and tricia I might be really depressed.... but Ben is my best friend and I really do need him home now. He could have helped me with this family stuff, at least been my backbone to stick up to my brother and say HEY SHUSHHHHH!!! No more fighting or your out! But alone I feel like he'd do something to hurt me out of anger... I know how he is...I do believe we are almost in double digits till Ben comes home..... why does this get harder the longer hes away and not easier?  I guess my emotions are really showing the last two posts LOL

Im not sure what just happen....

I have had non stop bloating/cramps since my IUI. The day of the IUI I had nothing, no cramps, no CM, no bloating or anything. Last night I woke up with an immense amount of pain on my RIGHT SIDE?! Im not sure what it is because I NEVER have pain on the right side. It felt very similar if not exactly at that moment like a ruptured cyst. I couldn't roll over, I couldn't stretch out, and it hurt to the point of bring tears to my eyes, but I managed to fall back asleep and this morning its like it never even happen. I am still "sore" and I still have this pulling feeling inside my stomach and once in awhile a shooting pain across my uterus but the ruptured cyst feeling is gone. Im not sure what just happen... I dont know if its a possible sign or a possible "oh crap" moment. I did have a few follies when I had my iui and some were very small so they could be rupturing now that they are mature enough to ovulate. But..... I thought my progesterone showed that I had already ovulated? I dont know... Im confused....




* 6:35pm I took a nap around noon and when I woke up and went to the bathroom I felt as thought my uterus was ripping out and it hurt soooo bad to pee! Not burn, not painful urination itself but the motion of pushing down hurt like a B**ch! I dont know what is going on, did I have this last time? I made a post at 5 dpo saying ouch that my cramps were awful but this is a constant ripping feeling. I keep saying "My uterus feels like its going to fall out!"... Its like a pulling sensation constantly, like I dont want to stand up to fast. Last month I had a pulled muscle sensation if I moved fast or sneezed, but this time its pretty constant. I really hope this means SOMETHING and not something BAD. The bloating has gone away for the most part, although I feel like by pushing my stomach out relaxes the pain a bit. I am only 3dpiui and 4 dpo so I am doing better this time not obsessing or taking pregnancy tests... I just know this is a weird pain.

Im assuming this is what they call "bloating"?

I have had NON stop bloating? I dont even know what bloating is really, because I never had periods, nor did I have pms cramps, bloating, or anything of that sort so I just dont know! It has been pretty non stop though since about yesterday. I have been pulling my pants down lower so I can let it all hang out lol. Its like a pressure around my hips, into my back like my kidneys hurt, and thru my lower stomach. So I am assuming this is what they call "bloating". I just want to lay in bed, maybe push my stomach out? I dont know.... I dont think its gas, because im sore thru my back. Its not a kidney infection because its not sore to the touch. Its been on my brain all day wondering if I had these cramps/bloating last time....and after reading a few old posts ive realized I had some bad bad cramps on day 3 or 4 after my IUI but I never mentioned extreme bloating. Its uncomfortable to say the least.... maybe this is a good sign? I am def. moody but a justified moodiness I FULLY believe. For example... I have guests in town.... and I walk around my own house on egg shells, which aggravates me because this is MY home, why should I act like a guest in my own home. Why do I have to pick and clean up cigarettes when I dont smoke? Why do I have to do dishes that I dont cook with? Why do I have to hide my things, look over my shoulder at every move I make (again in my house) and mostly.... why do I have to listen to the fighting? My child cries all night because the fighting goes on for hours and hours of screaming and throwing things.... I think Grayson fully heard or felt the tension and he was pretty upset last night. So I do sorta feel like im moody when I walk around her muteling things under my breath when I clean. *phew ok rant over*


Stats: 2 dpiui, 3 dpo lots and lots of uncomfortable bloating/maybe constipation? No change in CM yet... I did feel for a sec and it seems pretty closed, and last time it was open. Not much on the texture just same ol same ol, nothing stuck out to me. Moody. Irritable. Sensative maybe, which makes me irritable. I am no longer having any cravings... maybe that was like a once a day kinda thing. My hips/back/kidneys/something hurts... Nipples are noticable but not sensitive to the point I cant stand. No headache this time around, thank God! I did have some allergies today but I think thats expected with the itty bitty tiny of speckled rain we got. As far as the obsessing goes; im doing way better this month. So far so good, no pregnancy tests, no google searches yet. Just bloating.

My chest feels better today, I am getting really good at popping it, which helps with the pressure and tightness for the most part. I called my dr to see if I could get a chest xray and they were immidetly concerned with if I have chest pain from fuid build up around my ovary’s... I dont think its that but they said I should probably get checked out soon. They said they could protect my uterus from radiation but I dont want anything to be in the back of my head of "is that what caused it to fail"? So I am going to wait and see what happens with this first. Overall this is WAYYYYYY more important to me then getting a chest xray. Ben seems to be thrilled, but we are both backing down and letting this one take its course.  We still making back up plans for if I,\ but moving on about life as though Im not. We have fully decided though, we are not going to do another IUI next month. We are going to take the next few months off and see what happens without meds and periods and hopefully I can still go to the dr on day 1 of a new cycle for an ultrasound to check for fibroids and cysts and still keep up with all my health issues. But, as far as doing another cycle right away, I think we are going to wait till Ben comes home. We are hoping our insurance will allow the meds to be paid for if doing timed sex cycles, and thats good with us because I am the one with issues not him. His little army is a strong one, from what the analysis says. ETHIER WAY... we ARE going to keep trying to make a bigger family... itswhat we want. I look around and see alot of women pregnant right now, even "family" but I honestly feel I am a better fit of a mom and that this is something I want deep down inside of me, something I have wanted since Grayson turned one. Id like 4 kids honestly... I feel like my purpose is to be a Mommy... but maybe all moms feel that way? Grayson is my everything... the reason I breathe... the reason I get up in the morning. Everything I do revolves around Grayson or kid related activities and I like it, I dont mind it at all. I look at other young mothers, or friends of mine, even family of mine continue with thier lives although they dont have children... you dont see very many pictures, you see lots of things about clubs and bars... nothing like "going to watch dora in 4d with the kids"... so it makes me feel like I really am meant for this. Im exhausted im not gonna lie, but I go to bed every night thanking God I have Grayson, that I have a family, that I did something with my life and if anything were to ever happen id be devastated...they give me purpose. So moral of the story.. I want to have more children.


This was more like a diary entry then an update… but that’s why I have a blog… to let it all out, no matter what, these are feelings I have at this moment… with a little bit of what they call “bloating”. Lol

I am not sure if this is different or not....

Ok we are 1 dpIUI, and 2 DPO or something like that... today I havent had anything except crazy bloating. I think I had this last time, which started the obsession so I am not sure if this is different or not. One thing that I know I have from the HCG shot is I had this crazyyyyy craving for fish sticks... and I hate anything fish. Last month it was dr pepper lol! This time that is different. The bloating was so bad this morning I took 3 Tylenol, plus I figured it would help my sternum pain (not associated with this process, just extremely painful popping in my sternum). But, the bloating was so bad I took off my under shirt that I use to "make me look skinner" LOL I could barely breath. Its this fullness bloaty-gas feeling... I hate it. I had a few twinges/cramps yesterday not much today really... no surprise though. I am not feeling very positive this month. I did however sleep better last night then I have in AWHILE... maybe its that the cycle is over and I am not stressing anymore...whats done is done and theres not much else I can do but try and stay calm. One of the biggest differences this time around that I can immediately tell is I am NOT happy this month like I was last month... could be the bravelle because it is very much different then follistim. But I am IRRITATED by everything right now. Like I feel better once I talk to the irritant, or about the irritant, but I am mad at my boss because he looks at me weird but once I talk to him about something work related I felt better. People at work irritate me, people at home..... really irritate me.... understandably but seriously I know im irritated but dangggggggggggggggg stop being so annoying. Thats really it though for now. No change in CM yet but im supposed to start my progesterone suppositories tonight and that stuff is very greasy... and part of me is seriously contemplating even taking it because its messy...but I know if I dont I will blame that if this is a failed cycle. So the journey continues... 2ww but really a 3ww.

*breath in, breath out*

IUI #2!!!

Today I went and got my IUI. I would say the process this time was much quicker because it was a Sunday and only 5 people were there today. My progesterone showed 8.2 today, which is DOUBLE what it was last time. I feel partially like we missed it. Last time I was told my 4.something was PERFECT, that it was perfect timing but this time we are a little late. I am trying to stay positive its just hard when I want things to be as perfect as possible. Today we had 18 mil with 80% mortality with a class A. Which means they are ALL swimming in the same direction, so hopefully they are strong enough to get there in time. This cycle was a longer cycle, but as promised im hoping to not obsess this time and to take this day by day. I had to do the trigger again to myself and it seemed like I couldn't get the 'x' marks the spot, on the right spot....so I went in between and for awhile it seemed like the needle wasnt going to go in. I am not limping around because my entire left leg is sore. This makes 3 times having to stab myself, and soon it'll be four times. I cant believe how much I have to do for a baby.... which I am only doing for ME and BEN nobody else. We want this for us.


The stats: 1 dpo, day 1 of IUI #2. 18mil, 80% mortality, 8.2 progesterone. I think I had one 18mm follicle on friday so possibly a 20 today. Bravelle 225 and 150 iu. Trigger last night, and IUI at 930am. I only have cramps today, and one shooting cramp last night around 7pm which went from the left side to the right side of my uterus. I have a bit more cramps on my left side then right side which is about what it always is. Please God let this be our time!!!!!!!



We are almost there...

So much has happen in this cycle that I never expected.. I was fully aware of last time I was given a DONATED drug, which looking back made that cycle so much easier! I was put on Bravelle 150iu this cycle plus letrozole 75mg CD 3-7. First ultrasound on CD11 NOTHING. So we bumped bravelle to 225iu... 2nd ultrasound 1 follie measuring 5mm. So keep on going... except, I’m out of meds. 1 pack of bravelle comes with 5 vials of 75mg... 225 is three vials... so now I’m on a mission to find cheap bravelle. I was given what they call the H.E.A.R.T. card which for cash paying patients sells bravelle at only 56 dollars a vial. My insurance does not cover these drugs at all, so I am a cash paying patient now. Three different pharmacies’s had bravelle for over $1000! Walgreens was asking $1175 for 9 vials! Everywhere I went didn’t accept the heart card, so I lose hope. I cried on my way home thinking, god I just wasted 504 dollars on one pack of bravelle, another box was a sample and now I have to buy 9 more vials to complete my cycle. I am at a crossroad... Do I spend another $500- $1000 on meds that I MIGHT get pregnant with or do I accept my fate and call this cycle a bust? After much thought I figured I would try one more time to see if anyone accepted the heart card. One pharmacy, a Walgreens actually, was located in Houston (yay!) there are only 2 places that accept this card...here and el Paso Texas. So I take it as a sign and I go spend $526 on bravelle to finish this cycle.

Today I went in for yet another ultrasound and my E2, which 3 days ago was only a 42.... which is so bad for CD15. Anyways today showed 8 smaller follies... none of which really measuring out, but as we all know too many follies calls for a canceled cycle because they do not promote multiples. I have one good dominant follicle meaning at or around 14-15mm. They say a mature follicle is 18mm (one that usually has an egg) but you never know if they really do have an egg in there. Last month I had 3 very nice follies none of which took. My RE called me this afternoon saying my estrogen was in the 600's!!! WOAH... So no dry apt tomorrow, but possibly to trigger tomorrow night and depending on my blood results on Sunday (2 days from now) I could be doing my 2nd IUI, my final IUI for the summer. This cycle was so expensive, and we aren’t even finished yet. I still have to pay out of pocket for the procedure, that I’ve learned we don’t even get a refund if it doesn’t take. All in the name of a baby is what I tell myself. This is supposed to be totally worth it, and in my case, it is! I went down one road head on, whether I get pregnant or not, I decided to go thru with the rest of this cycle is hopes this will be my time. Total this cycle cost me about $1500... GEEZUS!


*Something I do want to note in this cycle though... The way bravelle is set up is 75iu per vial, but you have to mix 1cc of sodium to mix the powder to inject. I was under the impression and after some research I had to mix 3 different vials with 1cc each, meaning 3 different needles pokes in the stomach. Which I had been doing... 3 sticks a night! My tummy looks like a pin needle cushion. I have bruises and rashes from the sodium. I then find out I only need to mix 1 cc into one powder, take that mixture and inject it in another vial, then again on the 3rd vial. Take that 1cc of mixture plus 225iu of bravelle and inject ONCE. I finally get the news I was doing it wrong, sorta, after 5 days of this! So I am wondering if because the meds were so diluted I was responding slower. I also noticed after I stopped mixing separately my skin has broken out way more; its way more concentrated now, and BURNS when I inject. But.... it’s worth it right? I’ve had to do it so many times, that I tell myself when it starts to burn that this is the last time, one more time, and then I’m doing it again the next night.

I just hope to God this is it for Ben and I. I can’t afford to do this another month, as much as I really want a baby, to have a bigger family, to have more little Grayson’s... It’s just sooo expensive and sooner or later I have to start focusing my life on other things until Ben gets home. If this doesn’t happen this month, it’s a huge loss, and it will hurt... but right now I don’t think it will hurt as much as last month...because I was so sure. This time, no tests. This time, no obbsessing. This time, no stressing over it. This time it’s either a win or a loss. I am glad I kept going though; I still have hope for a good outcome.

Another thing I wanted to document, for me personally, that I even cheated this month and it still didn’t help. I was supposed to start my bravelle on CD15 but I did my first injection on CD14, and even with me cheating it didn’t give me a quicker result, I only did a 75 that day not the 150, and 150 wasn’t doing anything so it didn’t matter. 225 Has helped a bit but only time will tell. I have my fingers crossed though, that this is it.... I pray that it is!

Update

Well it's been awhile since I updated really. The more and more we get more bad news the less hopeful I feel with this process so I just havent wanted to write. I was unable to get any donated meds this cycle, just 1 samble box with 1 days worth of meds (to get me started). So I was like ok we are going to do this one more time, and I bought the remaining meds to hope it could get me thru. That cost me $504 dollars.... ughhh but it was the cheapest I could find, its actually just the cheapest brand. If I could have it my way.... you pay what you get for... I would just buy the follistim because we know I respond well to that medication... but I cant afford $1700... 500 is already killing me.

So I went in for my first ulatrasound after taking 150iu of Bravelle on CD11 and we had NOTHING... one tiny little follice that was not even worth measuring. My estrogen levels were only at 42.6 which is very low so they told me to bump up my meds to 225.... uh oh.... I only have 1 vile left. I asked around if any office had samples and I managed to get 5 more vials of Bravelle. So I had my fingers crossed would be enough to finish this cycle. Maybe 225 was a better mix for me and I would finally start really responding to. 

Today I went in for another ultrasound after doing 3 days with 225iu Bravelle and I only have 1 follicle measuring about 10mm... still not good news. I have a ton of follies total, just small ones they dont even measure. So they never told me what my estrogen was but they did say I would need 9 more vials of meds to finish out this cycle with any hope.... so Im at a crossroads... do I pay another 500 bucks for something I might not responding to at all? What happens if this does work but I dont end up pregnant, then ill have wasted 1000 dollars on meds in one month and 400 on the iui itself. So After some talks with the family, I decided I needed to do this one last time for now and risk it all at a chance. If this doesnt work Ben and I have agreed we need to focus on other stuff and once he comes home we can try and squeeze a cycle in while hes still on insurance, which will be about 3 months.

This is becoming a heartbreaking journey and Im not sure anymore if its worth it.

My heart hurts today....

So the doctors assume you want to keep going after a failed IUI or IVF, which is their job because I was so unsure.... so they throw you a new treatment plan and fill a new prescription and then you hit a huge bump in the road. I went to the dr on Sunday to get my 1st cycle ultrasound to see where we are at. I had an ovary full of cysts on the right... but small ones (pcos) and a collapsing cyst on the left, which has caused some discomfort. The ultrasound was pretty uncomfortable and they said usually when your on your period it hurts a bit to poke around down there... I never knew that? The lining looked good, she did not mention a fibroid this time around, she did measure around on the lining but she didnt seemed to concerned that it would cause problems. They did not take blood this time and im also not sure why...I dont think I have actually had an appointment without having my blood taken. Which is a reason the people at work started talking... they would see bruises on my arms and over heard I was in "treatment" and overheard me talking to walgreens about needles for my injections...lol even adults (GROWN ADULTS) make shit up to gossip. SO I met with my boss (linda) who I discussed my situation with, not to its full extent but enough to where she understood what and why I am doing what I am doing as far as treating my health issues and ultimately trying to conceive before needing surgery for whatever reason. She made me feel ok about if I needed to have a day that I could call in as long as I had those dr notes. So the people at work are a little more like "ohhhh I feel like an idiot for fabricating a story to make it sound good". People at work arent the only ones who do that, and its retarded. But anyways... so far my stats to continue this cycle are: 75mg of letrozole, 150 gonal f, novarel, estrogen and progesterone. But today there is a catch... I cant afford it.

One of the BIGGEST reasons I choose to try last month was because I was given a donated medicine that would normally cost me $1700.... and it hurts my heart that it didnt work. Walgreens called me today and said Tricare does NOT cover fertility drugs. They gave me Gonal F this time thinking it was going to be covered by tricare or at least cheaper. They called today and told me my prescription would cost $700.09 for JUST the gonal. I am now beyond discouraged. I dont have that much money to spend on something that obviously only MIGHT happen... not guaranteed...so another $400 for the IUI plus $800+ for the meds. I think I have looked into just about all my options and its just not looking good right now. Im frustrated... im hurt... and the failed IUI hurts even more today when it looks like that could have been my only chance at IUI. Part of me still has hope that SOMETHING will happen... someone will donate again, right? Maybe ill find a thousand dollars on my front porch. I wish the doctor's office could just lie to tricare or something... bend the truth... just simply say im doing HRT. I wish there was SOMETHING I could do.... but today as it stands its not going to happen. Maybe its time to put it out of sight out of mind....

Today marks the worst period ever!

I had a feeling today, after the mess when I got out of bed this morning, that this period was going to be bad. I put on basically 3 layers of underwear to only bleed thru them so badly at work I had to sneak away to clock out... im sure walking sideways looked funny to people but its better they ask why are you walking like that instead of OMG ewwww!! This will be a short post because nobody really wants to hear about my period looking like a murder scene... but today marks the worst period ever. I am almost convinced that this is a miscarriage because this is like no other period, its not even quiet like a previous miscarriage I had, I had alot of cramps with that one, this one hurts in my back and is messy as f**k! Its black, abundent, and clotty. Hopefully it will go away faster because its so heavy. Well update: The dr called me back this morning, after I called in my period, and I have an appt at 645am so I can make it to work on time...Its amazing these nurses wake up that early to make sure I can continue my cycle. So they will be able to give me an ultrasound in the morning to see where im sitting as far as my overys go. Then ill have a better idea where we go from here. Hurry up and wait....

IUI #1 = Fail

Officially today marked #1 IUI = FAILED. I started my period today, well the process of starting anyways. I am a little concerned that Ive had  *TMI ALERT* some green discharge... that to me marks an infection... I would think which might explain why my lower back was hurting. *light bulb* I was really upset yesterday when I got the news that I was not pregnant because I had felt SO sure... I spent the night crying like I thought I would, had a few sad moments today, and then the realization it had truly failed once I started my period. But I cant be sad forever because there is nothing that could change this. It hurts, but its time to move on and depending how this goes I might concentrate on other medical issues like the fibroids this time, or my wisdom teeth, or something and take a month off. I started today meaning I have 3 days to get my first ultrasound... I work tomorrow (1) Saturday (2) and sunday I am off so if they can pull some string for JUST me (doubtful) then I could get my ultrasound done on Sunday and we can move foward with another cycle and more meds. BUT if I cannot be seen sunday I am not sure if Ill be able to start a new cycle right now, because I work monday (4) and tuesday (5) so I would be on day 6 of my cycle which would be to late to start the first meds, so they might wait till I just start another period and hope that we fall on the right days next time... and in the meantime Ill go to the dentist. I am still going back and forth on whether or not I want to do this again... but I think im still dealing with the emotional rollercoaster I just got off. Why would I want to ride again? I know I will one day but ill see how I feel once I talk to my doctor.

 I know this process and journey so far has made me appreciate and thank god more for Grayson. At least I had Grayson, thats what we've always said but after this last month its been even more true. Yes there are things I would have done different, alot actually, but hes MINE and for the last year of his life I didnt have to even share, hes mommas baby. He sleeps with me and gives me lots of kisses... I got to experience all this, and I havent had to miss any big steps in his life so at least I had that too.  And if he is the only one I will ever have I will never adopt no matter how much I want a bigger family. Grayson will just be held high on a pedestal and be oneeeeee spoiled baby.

Today WAS the day.....

Sad sad day..... I got my 1st beta blood test today and it came back negative. :*( I lost it before I even knew what it was.... I lost something I was soooo sure that I had! I was so sure that this had happened that I had bought my first pregnancy scrub top, I had picked up that babies r us newborn gift tote, and was seriously only worried about if this test was going to show if I had conceived twins or not. I cried harder today then I have in a very long time, harder then when Ben was deployed. My mother had stayed over at the right time, and was there to talk reason and to listen to me blabber thru tears of why me's... even though I know somewhat why. I have health issues that cant be ignored like I had hoped it could be....my "high school sweetheart" gave me HPV that was a cancerous strand that numerous times has popped up on me, one time I got surgery and the other time I was pregnant with Grayson and chose not to do anything about. He is the reason I have the worst issues right now, and there is nothing I can do about it. I was cheated on in HIGH SCHOOL, during one of those changes in life that shouldnt SHAPE your entire future... from one person - I am now going thru the hardest times. Now, I honestly cannot just blame him obviously there were also things I did (besides getting back with the douche bag) but I chose for a year to not get it looked at again after Grayson, and it found its way into my uterus. The denial of  "teenagers do not get cancer" "I am only 22 this is my fertile time, this is my prime, this cant happen to me" got the best of me and now im sitting here broken hearted from my first failed IUI. I guess this blog couldnt just be 9 entries long and things move forward, thats not my luck. The most heartbreaking part is I WAS SO SURE!!! Today was the day, and I had said that 5 times to the nurses, I just knew I was pregnant. But.... im not :( so I am faced with the decision to move forward and try again or to give it a break for a month... we all know what ill probably end up doing, Ill move forward and do this again with high hopes it will be my time....but this has been one of the most emotional journeys I have ever been on. From cancer, to surgery, to infertility, to now another possible miscarriage. I am scared I am going to be double over in pain in a few days after I stop these medications. I am afraid I am going to do another cycle and miss work again for nothing, I am afraid this journey will only end in the position I am in currently with only bad news. I am blessed I was given Grayson though, at least I got him if anything, I love him more today then I did when he was born, and I didnt think that was possible, so no matter what this journey will never be first priority and it will never hurt as bad as if I lost Grayson. My mom called this a small hump I have to overcome, a setback, today it feels like a brick wall.... so Ill see how I feel after this period is over with and go from there. It does hurt worse then I thought it would..... :(

I Think Its SAFE to Say!!!

Well I would think its safe to say...... IM PREGNANT! Well... maybe, my official 100% proof and blood test is wen, so that blog will be "hopefully" YAY I KNEW IT!! I was told by my re/dr that the HCG shot is out of your system 1 day for every 1000iu so by now it would have been out of my system. I was told that the HCG booster shot was just to kick start my hormones to start to support the pregnancy. I know the longer/harder wait is yet to come. I still have to make it past my doctors OFFICE's fear of 9 weeks (most miscarriages happen by then) and my DOCTORS fear of 12 weeks... so I have alot to hold on to right now. Its been 6 days since I took my HCG booster (2500 iu) so the test was very dark... yes I opened it up to see lol... the lines are def darker then ive been getting, so that could only mean one thing! IM PREGNANT!!! I know I shouldnt get to excited before my blood test, and I know I should hold out on jumping up and down till after my ultrasound...

Its been a long road so far, I only started really blogging AFTER the IUI was happening, I should have started from the first visit on, that would have shown more struggle and heart ache. I probably should have even blogged about my miscarriage last Feb 2010 just to capture that particular mixed feeling heartbreak. But this particular journey has been going on officially in January 2011, when a pap smear and ultrasound showed something’s not right. So with further testing opened me up to the hysteroscopy with laparoscopy where they found the cancerous fibroids in my uterus, and other awful things. 5 long months of bad news after bad news... while I was doing this alone... and then I decided I needed to tell someone... I needed to be able to have SOMEONES support whether they agreed with the process or not, I needed someone so I did open up to family and a close friend who have walked me thru the process with the pick me ups and the good lucks, and the call me after you knows. After finally talking to my mom about what I decided to go for during my HRT she didnt even looked that surprised, but she told me that whatever happen she was going to be there for me. That with whatever happens she will always have my back, and shes going to be there when we break it to the family. It looks a little bad, Ben not being here, other family members being pregnant (not that it mattered to me, but might matter to others).. I mean this is our second baby, and I FULLY believe I can and will do this to my best ability....but its very mind easing to know I have my Mother on my side. I have also had Tricia close thru this process and she has been here after surgery, to let me bring you dinner and you can talk about the test results, to lets go have some retail therapy to make you feel better. She has been the #1 fan/supporter of this whole thing. From day one, and thats what I love about her most, shes not like other friends... ok she has issues, but if I called her saying im bleeding she would be here in a heart beat, along with the only other women in my life... my mom. So no matter what, and who cares what others think, I WANT more children, I LOVE being a mom, and this IS a joyous occasion! I think I have proved to distant family I am fully capable of providing and loving a child, along with spoiling lol... but even though Im young... I can do this, even if its twins!

The Stats: Thursdays blood  progesterone test showed a 57.8, that’s not including my progesterone supplement (that doesn’t show in blood, when they called me they explained that).. they want to see anything over a 20 and im double that J So that’s GOOD NEWS! Im 14dpo and 13dpiui, which by now implantation has occurred for sure, I never got any spotting, and haven’t so far. I did with Grayson. I haven’t really had many symptoms really, same “pulled muscle” cramp across uterus which could be from stretching… but already?? What if im having triplets? Haha just kidding… I think I would be sick sick sick with pregnancy symptoms if that were the case. I did FINALLY feel some nausea creep up on my last night that wasn’t as bad to actually want to puke, but was so noticeable I ate a whole thing of crackers in bed at 1030pm. Today I have noticed I have some sensitivity/soreness? In my nipples.  I have soreness in my lower back, that I constantly blame on work and Grayson lol. Overall I am still in good spirits, still happy.. some small things are starting to irritate me so maybe that’s pms… I wont know till Wed for sure.  Same increased cm and my cervix is soft and open.. and at this point there is nothing to look into with that because if I am pregnant it should change. Bbt was 98.0 this morning so hopefully that’s still a good sign. I would think Id be starting a period by now for sure if I wasn’t pregnant, so my temp would have def dropped in the days before it happens… but each week is going to be what if’s until im past 12 weeks safely. J

One More Week Till We Know

I had another dr appt today, nothing crazy just a progesterone strip and some other hormone but I cant remember the name, and a consultation with my dr/re. I was initially very stressed about today becasue I was supposed to have my appt in BEAMONT! 2 1/2 hour drive one way, for a consultation because my dr was going to be out of town and they were booked with appt's today, I could see her tomorrow though. BUT I have work, and I am walking a thin line at work with this journey so I said no I cant do that. So I wasnt sure how long I was going to be at the dr, or if I was going to be able to speak to her at all, but even like my gyno, they know me by name now and call me hun and they got me in and out in 2 hours. My dr is a wonder women, she works in all these places and does such amazing work with all us women and I wonder sometimes how she even sleeps, she has a family of her own too, but she was willing to rush back to speak to me about my cycle. She gave me the "low down" on the "what-if's" and basically gave me a new cycle plan if I start my period. She repeated the stats of bens frozen specimen and my blood levels and said she was confident I would become pregnant but then she fully reminded me the risks I have, and the health issues im FULLY faced with. The things I didnt want to hear she said to me, which is what I need to understand if this doesnt happen, because unlike many women I have alot at stake and alot of hurdles to jump before this is rewarding. She repeated cancerous cells a few times, adheshions, tubal problems (which I had never heard before) that they are twisted along with one ovary, another ovary is enlarged from PCOS, wow right! Unicornate/half uterus with fibroids and adhesions... what exactly is an adhesion? She thru all these medical terms, paragraph long and said now you remember this when you see your period, you do have EXPLAINED infertility so dont ask why, it'll be ok, and here is our plan B, here are the new meds you will take and we will do this again. Most women dont get pregnant the first time being fully healthy, yes its heartbreaking but this is why YOUR a women, women are strong, and you are strong. So.... she made me feel bad and good at the same time, and thats also why shes wonder women. She IS worth the drive, just not to beaumont lol. I will know tomorrow if I have to do one more HCG shot, I am hoping that one was enough, but I am prepared to do one more. I really am... Im not as nervous becasue now I have 2 awful shots plus a bunch of other injections under my belt...but today I feel confident, I might not feel that way if I hear bad news. But I will do what I have to do if it means keeping this. I will not have my pregnancy test until next wed, a blood test, so I will know in ONE MORE WEEK what my fate is for now. THEN it will be 2 weeks from then around June 13th we will get our first untrasound and we will be able to see how many, but we are all very confident I only had one mature follicle on the left, and I had a semi on my right, but the adhesions would make it hard for those follicles to mature, or travel.

So Ben and I compiled another simple list...lol... of things we want/need for a new baby. Obviously we dont need a new crib or dresser, Graysons getting his big boy bed when Ben gets home with his matching furniture, from the cat and the hat. His bedroom set is 570, for everything even a matress so we are going to invest in that. So the big big big things are really taken care of, the new baby will get hand me downs!! Yay lol the new baby will have the dresser and crib set and then in a few years we will make a plan from there depending on the sex. But here we go this is the top things we are going to invest in early on... starting from ultrasound on.... (we are counting on just one baby so this is the plan for one baby) a baby monitor this time, we plan on moving the babies upstairs, together sometime so we are going to invest in a video monitor. Our original plan was a bassinet, but of course they come out with new things every year so we want a smaller play and play that has the diaper change add on AND the tiny baby bed attachment that can be rocked, all on a play and pack!! Its 150 so we are going to invest in that for the newborn stages. We are going to get a new swing, the one that goes around a half circle instead of the one we have that clicks. Of course we are going to give this baby a theme so we will invest in a theme for the room, bed set ect. A new breast pump, or at least new conectors to the one I have becasue I plan on breastfeeding as long as I can this time. We have all the other big items, plus bottles and blankets and toys. So our biggest thing is to start stocking up on diapers, wipes, formula. $50 a paycheck is so do-able and by the time the babies here it wont be such a burden. That means one big item a month, and $50 a paycheck. Some stuff we obviously cant buy if we dont know the sex, so that will also come later, I just havent fully decided if I am going find out the sex early or not. I want to make the MOST of this pregnancy, the best pregnancy, the most enjoyable expierence. So If there is only one baby we are going to try to not find out the gender, and if there are twins we WILL need and have to know the gender.

The stats: 12 dpo 11 dpiui, we should be able to know by now but I had to do a bosster hcg so it would give a false positive. No symptoms yet.. or whatever... just some of the usual. Temp this morning was 97.9 and it mostly is so I think thats a little low, the 98's are what I would like to see all the time... same cm which I am STILL assuming is from the meds I take. Same muscle pulling cramp on sides when I sneeze, cough, or move fast.. or move wrong... or move at alll! Maybe an increase in smell, but i dont notice is constantly just sometimes when its a bad smell to me. Stil in nesting phase as you can tell, but thats from the hcg shot for sure if I am not pregnant.lol Same meds estrace and progesterone. Dr appt one week from today and we will find out!!

I had another dr appt today, nothing crazy just a progesterone strip and some other hormone but I cant remember the name, and a consultation with my dr/re. I was initially very stressed about today becasue I was supposed to have my appt in BEAMONT! 2 1/2 hour drive one way, for a consultation because my dr was going to be out of town and they were booked with appt's today, I could see her tomorrow though. BUT I have work, and I am walking a thin line at work with this journey so I said no I cant do that. So I wasnt sure how long I was going to be at the dr, or if I was going to be able to speak to her at all, but even like my gyno, they know me by name now and call me hun and they got me in and out in 2 hours. My dr is a wonder women, she works in all these places and does such amazing work with all us women and I wonder sometimes how she even sleeps, she has a family of her own too, but she was willing to rush back to speak to me about my cycle. She gave me the "low down" on the "what-if's" and basically gave me a new cycle plan if I start my period. She repeated the stats of bens frozen specimen and my blood levels and said she was confident I would become pregnant but then she fully reminded me the risks I have, and the health issues im FULLY faced with. The things I didnt want to hear she said to me, which is what I need to understand if this doesnt happen, because unlike many women I have alot at stake and alot of hurdles to jump before this is rewarding. She repeated cancerous cells a few times, adheshions, tubal problems (which I had never heard before) that they are twisted along with one ovary, another ovary is enlarged from PCOS, wow right! Unicornate/half uterus with fibroids and adhesions... what exactly is an adhesion? She thru all these medical terms, paragraph long and said now you remember this when you see your period, you do have EXPLAINED infertility so dont ask why, it'll be ok, and here is our plan B, here are the new meds you will take and we will do this again. Most women dont get pregnant the first time being fully healthy, yes its heartbreaking but this is why YOUR a women, women are strong, and you are strong. So.... she made me feel bad and good at the same time, and thats also why shes wonder women. She IS worth the drive, just not to beaumont lol. I will know tomorrow if I have to do one more HCG shot, I am hoping that one was enough, but I am prepared to do one more. I really am... Im not as nervous becasue now I have 2 awful shots plus a bunch of other injections under my belt...but today I feel confident, I might not feel that way if I hear bad news. But I will do what I have to do if it means keeping this. I will not have my pregnancy test until next wed, a blood test, so I will know in ONE MORE WEEK what my fate is for now. THEN it will be 2 weeks from then around June 13th we will get our first untrasound and we will be able to see how many, but we are all very confident I only had one mature follicle on the left, and I had a semi on my right, but the adhesions would make it hard for those follicles to mature, or travel.

So Ben and I compiled another simple list...lol... of things we want/need for a new baby. Obviously we dont need a new crib or dresser, Graysons getting his big boy bed when Ben gets home with his matching furniture, from the cat and the hat. His bedroom set is 570, for everything even a matress so we are going to invest in that. So the big big big things are really taken care of, the new baby will get hand me downs!! Yay lol the new baby will have the dresser and crib set and then in a few years we will make a plan from there depending on the sex. But here we go this is the top things we are going to invest in early on... starting from ultrasound on.... (we are counting on just one baby so this is the plan for one baby) a baby monitor this time, we plan on moving the babies upstairs, together sometime so we are going to invest in a video monitor. Our original plan was a bassinet, but of course they come out with new things every year so we want a smaller play and play that has the diaper change add on AND the tiny baby bed attachment that can be rocked, all on a play and pack!! Its 150 so we are going to invest in that for the newborn stages. We are going to get a new swing, the one that goes around a half circle instead of the one we have that clicks. Of course we are going to give this baby a theme so we will invest in a theme for the room, bed set ect. A new breast pump, or at least new conectors to the one I have becasue I plan on breastfeeding as long as I can this time. We have all the other big items, plus bottles and blankets and toys. So our biggest thing is to start stocking up on diapers, wipes, formula. $50 a paycheck is so do-able and by the time the babies here it wont be such a burden. That means one big item a month, and $50 a paycheck. Some stuff we obviously cant buy if we dont know the sex, so that will also come later, I just havent fully decided if I am going find out the sex early or not. I want to make the MOST of this pregnancy, the best pregnancy, the most enjoyable expierence. So If there is only one baby we are going to try to not find out the gender, and if there are twins we WILL need and have to know the gender.

The stats: 12 dpo 11 dpiui, we should be able to know by now but I had to do a bosster hcg so it would give a false positive. No symptoms yet.. or whatever... just some of the usual. Temp this morning was 97.9 and it mostly is so I think thats a little low, the 98's are what I would like to see all the time... same cm which I am STILL assuming is from the meds I take. Same muscle pulling cramp on sides when I sneeze, cough, or move fast.. or move wrong... or move at alll! Maybe an increase in smell, but i dont notice is constantly just sometimes when its a bad smell to me. Stil in nesting phase as you can tell, but thats from the hcg shot for sure if I am not pregnant.lol Same meds estrace and progesterone. Dr appt one week from today and we will find out!!

Is this REAL?

.

We are moving right along I guess. I have not been blogging the last few days becasue I have been trying to keep my mind of obsessing over if I am or am not pregnant. Its hard. Im officially 11dpo 10dpiui.... and I would most likely be able to tell at this point if I was pregnant, except I had to give myself a booster HCG injection, so another intramuscular injection. My hormone levels are not what they need to be to sustain this pregnancy, so I have to give myself these injections 3 times total. Once monday and then again on friday. This time it wasnt nearly as bad as the first...which got me thinking... I must have done something wrong. I bruised really bad, I also had a fair amount of blood when I did it, not in the injection itself but afterwards. This time I did my left leg, the skin was much tougher then my right, the needle was harder to poke thru. I only had to do inject 2500iu instead of the trigger which is 10,000. No blood this time, not even pulling the needle out which like I mentioned the skin was much tougher so it actually grabbed the neddle and I had to tug it a little. So a pregnancy is going to show a positive, I would assume... I couldnt resist so I took one anyways. *I know I know* its hard though! I wish I just KNEW! But the test came back a strong positive, and I read it only takes a day per 2500 to get out of your system, so being that strong could be a pretty good hint? The only true "symptom" I have is if I cough or roll over in bed each side of my uterus/ovarys feel like Im pulling a muscle. I remember this when i was pregnant with Grayson... but it mostly happen when I would sneeze, this just happens when im usually tossing and turning in bed or moving around at work. Its been my only true symptom that says, yes dear you did concieve! My cm is definetly increased, which I HATE, it makes me feel icky, but im assuming again this is not a true pregnancy symptom that this is from the progesterone supositories I have to take in order to get the extra boost in progesterone that I need to carry this pregnancy. I am still taking my estrace which I have yet to figure out why I need that.

So I have compiled a simple list of top reasons we did this right now. I am not only keeping this for my personal remembrance but also to show I didnt just wake up one morning and say lets go get invitro!

1. I have 100% coverage in health insurance, BIG DEAL! I will not always have full coverage like this, only since Ben is deployed and active. With fertility treatments and medical procedures its a HUGE weight lifted finacially.

2. I had surgery in Feb 2011, the found cancerous uterin fibroids, most likely caused from untreated cervical cancer. Now I've never seen an a CANCER doctor, only was told I had CANCEROUS cells on the cervic back in 2006, 2009, 2010 and 2011. I fell into this denial phase where I didnt want to ruin my chances at having kids in the future so I convinced myself dont go to the dr because I had been told for 2 years I was going to eventually need a hysterectomy, and that scared me. I didnt realize the cost to my health I was making by not taking care of it. It spread after I gave birth to Grayson, and eventually we ended up here. My hormones are all screwed up, my body keeps producing these fibroids, I am also poly cystic so bad they want to remove the ovarys all together. SOOOO moral of the story, fibroids in the utreus calls for removal of the uterus, poly cystic that is not treatable also calls for removal of ovarys =no reporductive organs means no more babies. I was given an oppurtunity to go on HRT (hormonal replacememt therapy) to control my health condition in hopes that it would be enough to keep everything under control. April I found that I have 2 more fibroids, and more cysts, raising the risks of everything and I made the adult decision, that this was my chance. People may disagree, but I felt in my heart, and after all the dissapointing dr appts saying this isnt going to be easy, this might not happen, this is the road we are on... i decided lets go for it, lets start the fertility treatments.

3. The follistim injections I was told I needed to take are NOT covered under our insurance policy... road block! The perscription cost $1700.00 over the counter to BUY. UHHHM I dont have that kind of money to give on just a POSSIBILTY of ovulating... so I quit. 3 weeks later after the continuous bad news of my uterus, ovarys and hormones, I started to really feel like this was the end of the road... and then I got a call from one of the nurses saying they passed my name around in the offie and my condition and I was DONATED the injections!! Not the needles just one cycles worth of medicine that I could use to try this one time. SO I took it!! That saved me $1700!!! That was a sign that I needed to give this a shot, no pun intended, that this was my oppurtunity.

4. The finacial stability right now is good for supporting children. It might not be this stable once Ben comes home, but for now we would be able to fully prepare and take these 9 months and really stock on things we would need. This deployment fixed alot of finacial issues for us, and it would give us a chance to finally put some money in savings for the kids. My labor and delivery, would be fully covered under our insurance, going back to #1, a BIG DEAL! All of my prenatal meds, appointments, ultrasounds, and procedures are fully covered. We wont get this kind of insurance again because Ben will not be active duty again. Another sign that we needed to try!

Simple list right? Well it is really simple... insurance, my health, and donated medicine. Plus a few extra open oppurtunitys that said, do this, try this at least this time. I dont know that ill be able to do another cycle after this, which will make the negative result hurt that much more. I wonder if it would even be worth it no matter how badly I want this now... I didnt really put much thought to it in the begining, it all started with a trip to a gyno and the concentration was fixing everything inside. I wonder if once I find out im not pregnant, it will hurt but will I still have the drive to find a way to make another cycle work... even though another $2100 is stupid when we have grayson right now, and maybe God can suprise me in life with a new baby later on? Or what if I miscarry like that DO warn me about, they have to I guess.... which is different then my old gyno he was like everything OK!! Everything looks GOOD! But I guess he only delivers babies... I wont have my dr now once I make it past 12 weeks they dont delivery babies or anything. They do all they can to keep a pregnancy. But what if I do lose it before 12 weeks... then I wont have the strength to do it again for a long time... so many outcomes and such a long time to wait....

The stats: 11dpo 10dpiui...a really awful break out, increased cm it feel likes sometimes im peeing myself with no control! haha I do have particular cravings... i mean craving... Fountain dr pepper not one from a can just fountain dr pepper... now this could be from just the hcg shot, after all I might get pregnancy symptoms from that. No sore nipples or anything.BBTwas 98.3....good? I had some increased sense of smell monday and it drifted tuesday... which was weird because I didnt take my shot until monday NIGHT after work, and all day I could smell everything. Tuesday wasnt as bad. The "pull muscle" cramps when I cough, sneeze, or while im trying to sleep. I am taking all the drugs and doing everything the dr told me to do. Estrace, progesterone, HCG booter shots.  My sleep dr also dropped my sleep  medication so that before this pregnancy is in full swing I can wing off the ambien and not even take a tiny risk  of losing these babies. I took ambien my whole pregnancy last time, but i didnt have to go thru all this. * and I jussssssssssssst sneezed and this SHARP cramp across my uterus. So maybe I really really am pregnant!?!?!?!?

It Feels Like Nesting...

I am now 8dpo 7dpiui... still nothing. I feel very discouraged at this didnt happen. Today I have had no cramps, no sore boobs, no spotting, no crazy emotions, no cm changes, no pregnancy symptoms. The only thing I think happen was the HCG made me go into nesting. I feel like even though I dont even know if im truly pregnant, I want to clean and prepare for another baby. I have this urge to start hoarding baby things and that im thinking of what needs to be done first as far as housework (tile, carpet, paint, furniture) to make a better place for more babies. I also had a dream last night that I went to the bathroom and was ethier just bleeding or started a period- ethier way not what I want. I dont remember why or when just that it happen. The HCG is out of my system, and I know this becasue a pregnancy test is coming back negative and not positive like it was a few days after the trigger. I finally remembered to take my temp this morning and it was 98.2 so thats till pretty high for my normal basal, and the other morning (2-3 days ago) when I took my temp it was only 97.4 or 97.6 which had me even more discouraged because thats so low for a basal. I just dont know... and I am going crazy not knowing what my fate is.

The stats: 8 dpo, 9 iui... lots of white lotion thick cm, basl 98.2 *good I hope*, no more cramps which I feel is a mixed signal. I am not emotional yet, just anxious to know what the outcome will be. Last night i pressed down on my stomach during a cramp and it felt hard... but it could be just the position I was laying. I am taking my progesterone every night along with the estrace like I was told, and I have to give myself 2 more hcg shots, which is CRAZY... ive never heard of having to do a "trigger" more then the one time.. so im nervous about that because it hurt so bad the first time. A really ugly breakout, cervix is still low open and not wet, just lotion stuff. Dull headache and backache off and on, not so much today but yesterday I had a bachache all day at work. And nesting like symptoms...but we are on week one so we only have 2 more weeks to go on my 2ww...( makes sense right?) to go. Im hoping I get more hints later this week as to whats going on :)

OUCHHHHHH

Today makes 5 dpIUI! Can the time go any faster?! I didnt post last night because I was haing the WORST of cramps. Like right now, its 650pm and I feel as though *cough* I am miscarrying. My stomach is hurting so baddddd. I feel pain on the right, left, and center of uterus. Well... I feel a burning pain in my right ovary, my uterus itself hurts, and some, what feels like, left tube pain. My brain cannot help but think "omg do I have an ectopic?", "omg is this BAD cramping?", "am I going to go to the bathroom and see loads of blood?!". The cramps are really bad for me. I dont feel pregnant, I actually feel down today and discouraged that I even conceived. I was given the HCG shot so I have had some cravings, nothing out of the norm, but today at work we had a sports party and they had a huge container of pickles... even NOT pregnant I love pickles so I took a whole plate full back to my desk. The girls next to me went... "are you pregnant??". My heart sank for a minute saying "AM I?!" but i simply asked why and they said UHM hellooo you have a plate of only pickles. I finally realized what they meant and I said oh no and laughed it off. I am not craving pickles, but why can a girl only eat pickles pregnant?

Last night I FINALLY slept. I mean I haven't slept thru or TILL my alarm in the morning in months. I always wake up around 6am to only lay there for 30 mins checking facebook or email till my alarm goes off and I crawl out of bed to get ready for work. Last night I actually fell asleep, where I wasnt looking at the clock or waking up a million times to grayson getting smothered by his blankets and looking for his bottle. The only thing that got me out of bed was thinking of getting breakfast on my way to work. Speaking of.... I ate so much today its disgusting. I got breakfast on my way to work, ate it in the car in traffic, then I sat at my desk and ate some gummy bears, then had a hotdog with pickles for lunch at our work social, had some chips, cotton candy and a cookie. Free food, why not?? Either way I feel.....ashamed.....hahaha. Tonight I just shared a bowl of spaghetti o's with my son, and I feel even more ashamed. I hope there are more then one in there because they will give me a good excuse of being fat. Then of course my emotions will get the best of me and Ill cry when I hit 200lbs. If im not pregnant, well im just a fatty.

Today also was NON STOP "Tomorrow is judgement day! Tomorrow is the end of the world! Tomorrow the chosen ones will disappear!" and as im sitting at my desk wondering to myself how crazy the peope around me are, I cant help but go "well this new baby better not be a chosen one!". HAHA I figured it was stupid enough to document. I also asked Grayson on the way home if he wanted a baby, he simply said "no". I then asked him if mommy could have a baby and he told me "I dont know". Hes like an 8 ball.... you only get one word answers from it, not every answer is what you want LOL.

The stats:

6 dpo/ 5dpiui: CRAMPS!! Constipation... ohh yeah I know you wanted to know that. Cm is still lotion white...thick. I am only mostly noticing cramps today. I took  my temp this morning and it was only in the 97's, which is low. Also, breakout... all these hormone treatments have given me the WORST breakout. I start taking my progesterone today hopefully that will help with the cramps....right?? I am also taking estrace every night and I still have not done the research on that as to  if thats why I am also getting positive pregnancy tests, yes still, so maybe we have some hope? I am wondering how I am going to make it the rest of the month NOT KNOWING!? I am not even sure if they give an ultrasound until a certain point, so my plan with telling Ben might not work the way I had hoped with the care packages. I dont have any symptoms really, just god awful cramps. I guess thats better then having morning sickness?