Stresses

Today is almost 6 dpiui and 7 dpo! Moving along I suppose... but all this stress in my life is making this process hard for me to get thru. I am tired of babysitting adults, I need to take care of MYSELF not everyone else. I swear I think if this doesn't happen for me this time I only have one person to blame. My brother. I shouldn't be having to deal with his wild issues. I am younger then him, yet...... I have to take care of him. Its seriously stressing me out! I have cramps still today, still this crazy bloating stuff. My cramps are still bad enough to be verrrry noticeable. I do have the cramps more so on the left side today though...hmm.... I looked for my cervix again, and I think its higher then last time, and tilted towards the back. My CM is still not that bad as last month, just the usual around this time...nothing out of the norm. This will be a short post because Grayson and I are webcaming but I did want to note that im still having pretty bad cramps, bloating, and maybe gas? Maybe im not sure? Its gas pains I guess without the gassyness lol.

O.M.G Did I have this last time?

Today is Thursday making this 4 days post iui, and 5 days post ovulation. I have had constant achy cramps in my uterus, not my ovary's, since MONDAY! I have actually had the last two days off work and spent them tyring my best to lay down as much as possible. I feel bad but I took my son to daycare half days (9-2) both days this week for the first time. :( But Tuesday it felt like I had ruptured a cyst, but now im not sure if thats what it was. I napped for about 3 hours on wed which I NEVER DO... so part of me feels like that was good for me to FINALLY get to do, although I felt guilty as hell. I cramped ALL day yesterday, and part of me kept looking back saying oh it only lasted one day last time so ill wake up and it will be over and then what? Today I took Grayson to daycare again, because I did not sleep at all last night due to some family drama. Everyone thought I was the drama queen! LOL I think this one has me beat ;) anyways... I didnt sleep but a few hours off and on, and because I dont want my son around fighting or arguing I decided to take him to daycare today. I was able to sleep a few hours today, and when I got up my uterus still hurts. I have googled these symptoms looking for ANYTHING "Uterus feels like its ripping" "ripping uterus after IUI" "Uterus cramps after IUI" "Uterine cramping horribly" and I didnt really find anything helpful. I called my dr today to let them know I was really hurting, and that I didnt think these were cramps. My RE said that it sounded like muscle separation from the uterus and the stomach walls... which could be from bloating or implantation, but its wayyy to really to know anything about being pregnant and that she advised me to lay down as much as possible and take some Tylenol and ibuprofen for swelling. Ive been doing all that and I still feel like I cant bare down in that area because it hurts so bad! I know I am sensitive to pain but in all honestly I just bitch alot, but this is something that I feel has been constant and pretty awful.

Stats: 4dpiui, 5 dpo CRAMMMMMMMMMMMPS!!!!!!! Bad bad bad bloating/cramps/ripping sensation in uterus, not tubes, not ovary's, centralized pain in UTERUS! UGHH.... my bbt was only 97.7 this morning which is NOT good.... but I didnt sleep a full night so im gonna say thats a bust. I looked for my cervix finally and its sorta high this time, I had to at least try and find it, it was tilted back and felt a bit soft and open. I know I shouldn't look into that ethier... all I know is low=period. Its a known fact so either way if it stays low, or moves to a lower position that i should be starting my period. Last month it was pretty much low the entire time, open and soft... so hello. CM is nothing really actually.... I havent started my progesterone... I know shame on me but that made me have alll sorts of nasty discharge and I know I should take them but part of me is like why? It doesnt actually do anything.... idk ok ok ill do it tonight. Maybe that will help the cramping? I am still irritable, but honestly, and really honestly I think im irritated with things at home.... with people that are in town... it wasnt so bad until the fighting non stop started.... and that they dont know when they are leaving..... mannnnnn they cant stay here so my parents will be helping me with that. So thats really it.

*I thought I would note that I have been eating slushies again like I was OBSESSED with when I was pregnant with Grayson <3 Could be that im really dehydrated, but yummmy... I think ill make another one now :) Maybe these cramps are implantation, I would hope so, then it would be worth it. Maybe things are happening... I could only hope. This is the only thing that keeps me sane... HOPE..... its all I got right now, especially with my husband away. Dealing with things alone is HARD, if it wasnt for my Mother and tricia I might be really depressed.... but Ben is my best friend and I really do need him home now. He could have helped me with this family stuff, at least been my backbone to stick up to my brother and say HEY SHUSHHHHH!!! No more fighting or your out! But alone I feel like he'd do something to hurt me out of anger... I know how he is...I do believe we are almost in double digits till Ben comes home..... why does this get harder the longer hes away and not easier?  I guess my emotions are really showing the last two posts LOL

Im not sure what just happen....

I have had non stop bloating/cramps since my IUI. The day of the IUI I had nothing, no cramps, no CM, no bloating or anything. Last night I woke up with an immense amount of pain on my RIGHT SIDE?! Im not sure what it is because I NEVER have pain on the right side. It felt very similar if not exactly at that moment like a ruptured cyst. I couldn't roll over, I couldn't stretch out, and it hurt to the point of bring tears to my eyes, but I managed to fall back asleep and this morning its like it never even happen. I am still "sore" and I still have this pulling feeling inside my stomach and once in awhile a shooting pain across my uterus but the ruptured cyst feeling is gone. Im not sure what just happen... I dont know if its a possible sign or a possible "oh crap" moment. I did have a few follies when I had my iui and some were very small so they could be rupturing now that they are mature enough to ovulate. But..... I thought my progesterone showed that I had already ovulated? I dont know... Im confused....




* 6:35pm I took a nap around noon and when I woke up and went to the bathroom I felt as thought my uterus was ripping out and it hurt soooo bad to pee! Not burn, not painful urination itself but the motion of pushing down hurt like a B**ch! I dont know what is going on, did I have this last time? I made a post at 5 dpo saying ouch that my cramps were awful but this is a constant ripping feeling. I keep saying "My uterus feels like its going to fall out!"... Its like a pulling sensation constantly, like I dont want to stand up to fast. Last month I had a pulled muscle sensation if I moved fast or sneezed, but this time its pretty constant. I really hope this means SOMETHING and not something BAD. The bloating has gone away for the most part, although I feel like by pushing my stomach out relaxes the pain a bit. I am only 3dpiui and 4 dpo so I am doing better this time not obsessing or taking pregnancy tests... I just know this is a weird pain.

Im assuming this is what they call "bloating"?

I have had NON stop bloating? I dont even know what bloating is really, because I never had periods, nor did I have pms cramps, bloating, or anything of that sort so I just dont know! It has been pretty non stop though since about yesterday. I have been pulling my pants down lower so I can let it all hang out lol. Its like a pressure around my hips, into my back like my kidneys hurt, and thru my lower stomach. So I am assuming this is what they call "bloating". I just want to lay in bed, maybe push my stomach out? I dont know.... I dont think its gas, because im sore thru my back. Its not a kidney infection because its not sore to the touch. Its been on my brain all day wondering if I had these cramps/bloating last time....and after reading a few old posts ive realized I had some bad bad cramps on day 3 or 4 after my IUI but I never mentioned extreme bloating. Its uncomfortable to say the least.... maybe this is a good sign? I am def. moody but a justified moodiness I FULLY believe. For example... I have guests in town.... and I walk around my own house on egg shells, which aggravates me because this is MY home, why should I act like a guest in my own home. Why do I have to pick and clean up cigarettes when I dont smoke? Why do I have to do dishes that I dont cook with? Why do I have to hide my things, look over my shoulder at every move I make (again in my house) and mostly.... why do I have to listen to the fighting? My child cries all night because the fighting goes on for hours and hours of screaming and throwing things.... I think Grayson fully heard or felt the tension and he was pretty upset last night. So I do sorta feel like im moody when I walk around her muteling things under my breath when I clean. *phew ok rant over*


Stats: 2 dpiui, 3 dpo lots and lots of uncomfortable bloating/maybe constipation? No change in CM yet... I did feel for a sec and it seems pretty closed, and last time it was open. Not much on the texture just same ol same ol, nothing stuck out to me. Moody. Irritable. Sensative maybe, which makes me irritable. I am no longer having any cravings... maybe that was like a once a day kinda thing. My hips/back/kidneys/something hurts... Nipples are noticable but not sensitive to the point I cant stand. No headache this time around, thank God! I did have some allergies today but I think thats expected with the itty bitty tiny of speckled rain we got. As far as the obsessing goes; im doing way better this month. So far so good, no pregnancy tests, no google searches yet. Just bloating.

My chest feels better today, I am getting really good at popping it, which helps with the pressure and tightness for the most part. I called my dr to see if I could get a chest xray and they were immidetly concerned with if I have chest pain from fuid build up around my ovary’s... I dont think its that but they said I should probably get checked out soon. They said they could protect my uterus from radiation but I dont want anything to be in the back of my head of "is that what caused it to fail"? So I am going to wait and see what happens with this first. Overall this is WAYYYYYY more important to me then getting a chest xray. Ben seems to be thrilled, but we are both backing down and letting this one take its course.  We still making back up plans for if I,\ but moving on about life as though Im not. We have fully decided though, we are not going to do another IUI next month. We are going to take the next few months off and see what happens without meds and periods and hopefully I can still go to the dr on day 1 of a new cycle for an ultrasound to check for fibroids and cysts and still keep up with all my health issues. But, as far as doing another cycle right away, I think we are going to wait till Ben comes home. We are hoping our insurance will allow the meds to be paid for if doing timed sex cycles, and thats good with us because I am the one with issues not him. His little army is a strong one, from what the analysis says. ETHIER WAY... we ARE going to keep trying to make a bigger family... itswhat we want. I look around and see alot of women pregnant right now, even "family" but I honestly feel I am a better fit of a mom and that this is something I want deep down inside of me, something I have wanted since Grayson turned one. Id like 4 kids honestly... I feel like my purpose is to be a Mommy... but maybe all moms feel that way? Grayson is my everything... the reason I breathe... the reason I get up in the morning. Everything I do revolves around Grayson or kid related activities and I like it, I dont mind it at all. I look at other young mothers, or friends of mine, even family of mine continue with thier lives although they dont have children... you dont see very many pictures, you see lots of things about clubs and bars... nothing like "going to watch dora in 4d with the kids"... so it makes me feel like I really am meant for this. Im exhausted im not gonna lie, but I go to bed every night thanking God I have Grayson, that I have a family, that I did something with my life and if anything were to ever happen id be devastated...they give me purpose. So moral of the story.. I want to have more children.


This was more like a diary entry then an update… but that’s why I have a blog… to let it all out, no matter what, these are feelings I have at this moment… with a little bit of what they call “bloating”. Lol

I am not sure if this is different or not....

Ok we are 1 dpIUI, and 2 DPO or something like that... today I havent had anything except crazy bloating. I think I had this last time, which started the obsession so I am not sure if this is different or not. One thing that I know I have from the HCG shot is I had this crazyyyyy craving for fish sticks... and I hate anything fish. Last month it was dr pepper lol! This time that is different. The bloating was so bad this morning I took 3 Tylenol, plus I figured it would help my sternum pain (not associated with this process, just extremely painful popping in my sternum). But, the bloating was so bad I took off my under shirt that I use to "make me look skinner" LOL I could barely breath. Its this fullness bloaty-gas feeling... I hate it. I had a few twinges/cramps yesterday not much today really... no surprise though. I am not feeling very positive this month. I did however sleep better last night then I have in AWHILE... maybe its that the cycle is over and I am not stressing anymore...whats done is done and theres not much else I can do but try and stay calm. One of the biggest differences this time around that I can immediately tell is I am NOT happy this month like I was last month... could be the bravelle because it is very much different then follistim. But I am IRRITATED by everything right now. Like I feel better once I talk to the irritant, or about the irritant, but I am mad at my boss because he looks at me weird but once I talk to him about something work related I felt better. People at work irritate me, people at home..... really irritate me.... understandably but seriously I know im irritated but dangggggggggggggggg stop being so annoying. Thats really it though for now. No change in CM yet but im supposed to start my progesterone suppositories tonight and that stuff is very greasy... and part of me is seriously contemplating even taking it because its messy...but I know if I dont I will blame that if this is a failed cycle. So the journey continues... 2ww but really a 3ww.

*breath in, breath out*

IUI #2!!!

Today I went and got my IUI. I would say the process this time was much quicker because it was a Sunday and only 5 people were there today. My progesterone showed 8.2 today, which is DOUBLE what it was last time. I feel partially like we missed it. Last time I was told my 4.something was PERFECT, that it was perfect timing but this time we are a little late. I am trying to stay positive its just hard when I want things to be as perfect as possible. Today we had 18 mil with 80% mortality with a class A. Which means they are ALL swimming in the same direction, so hopefully they are strong enough to get there in time. This cycle was a longer cycle, but as promised im hoping to not obsess this time and to take this day by day. I had to do the trigger again to myself and it seemed like I couldn't get the 'x' marks the spot, on the right spot....so I went in between and for awhile it seemed like the needle wasnt going to go in. I am not limping around because my entire left leg is sore. This makes 3 times having to stab myself, and soon it'll be four times. I cant believe how much I have to do for a baby.... which I am only doing for ME and BEN nobody else. We want this for us.


The stats: 1 dpo, day 1 of IUI #2. 18mil, 80% mortality, 8.2 progesterone. I think I had one 18mm follicle on friday so possibly a 20 today. Bravelle 225 and 150 iu. Trigger last night, and IUI at 930am. I only have cramps today, and one shooting cramp last night around 7pm which went from the left side to the right side of my uterus. I have a bit more cramps on my left side then right side which is about what it always is. Please God let this be our time!!!!!!!



We are almost there...

So much has happen in this cycle that I never expected.. I was fully aware of last time I was given a DONATED drug, which looking back made that cycle so much easier! I was put on Bravelle 150iu this cycle plus letrozole 75mg CD 3-7. First ultrasound on CD11 NOTHING. So we bumped bravelle to 225iu... 2nd ultrasound 1 follie measuring 5mm. So keep on going... except, I’m out of meds. 1 pack of bravelle comes with 5 vials of 75mg... 225 is three vials... so now I’m on a mission to find cheap bravelle. I was given what they call the H.E.A.R.T. card which for cash paying patients sells bravelle at only 56 dollars a vial. My insurance does not cover these drugs at all, so I am a cash paying patient now. Three different pharmacies’s had bravelle for over $1000! Walgreens was asking $1175 for 9 vials! Everywhere I went didn’t accept the heart card, so I lose hope. I cried on my way home thinking, god I just wasted 504 dollars on one pack of bravelle, another box was a sample and now I have to buy 9 more vials to complete my cycle. I am at a crossroad... Do I spend another $500- $1000 on meds that I MIGHT get pregnant with or do I accept my fate and call this cycle a bust? After much thought I figured I would try one more time to see if anyone accepted the heart card. One pharmacy, a Walgreens actually, was located in Houston (yay!) there are only 2 places that accept this card...here and el Paso Texas. So I take it as a sign and I go spend $526 on bravelle to finish this cycle.

Today I went in for yet another ultrasound and my E2, which 3 days ago was only a 42.... which is so bad for CD15. Anyways today showed 8 smaller follies... none of which really measuring out, but as we all know too many follies calls for a canceled cycle because they do not promote multiples. I have one good dominant follicle meaning at or around 14-15mm. They say a mature follicle is 18mm (one that usually has an egg) but you never know if they really do have an egg in there. Last month I had 3 very nice follies none of which took. My RE called me this afternoon saying my estrogen was in the 600's!!! WOAH... So no dry apt tomorrow, but possibly to trigger tomorrow night and depending on my blood results on Sunday (2 days from now) I could be doing my 2nd IUI, my final IUI for the summer. This cycle was so expensive, and we aren’t even finished yet. I still have to pay out of pocket for the procedure, that I’ve learned we don’t even get a refund if it doesn’t take. All in the name of a baby is what I tell myself. This is supposed to be totally worth it, and in my case, it is! I went down one road head on, whether I get pregnant or not, I decided to go thru with the rest of this cycle is hopes this will be my time. Total this cycle cost me about $1500... GEEZUS!


*Something I do want to note in this cycle though... The way bravelle is set up is 75iu per vial, but you have to mix 1cc of sodium to mix the powder to inject. I was under the impression and after some research I had to mix 3 different vials with 1cc each, meaning 3 different needles pokes in the stomach. Which I had been doing... 3 sticks a night! My tummy looks like a pin needle cushion. I have bruises and rashes from the sodium. I then find out I only need to mix 1 cc into one powder, take that mixture and inject it in another vial, then again on the 3rd vial. Take that 1cc of mixture plus 225iu of bravelle and inject ONCE. I finally get the news I was doing it wrong, sorta, after 5 days of this! So I am wondering if because the meds were so diluted I was responding slower. I also noticed after I stopped mixing separately my skin has broken out way more; its way more concentrated now, and BURNS when I inject. But.... it’s worth it right? I’ve had to do it so many times, that I tell myself when it starts to burn that this is the last time, one more time, and then I’m doing it again the next night.

I just hope to God this is it for Ben and I. I can’t afford to do this another month, as much as I really want a baby, to have a bigger family, to have more little Grayson’s... It’s just sooo expensive and sooner or later I have to start focusing my life on other things until Ben gets home. If this doesn’t happen this month, it’s a huge loss, and it will hurt... but right now I don’t think it will hurt as much as last month...because I was so sure. This time, no tests. This time, no obbsessing. This time, no stressing over it. This time it’s either a win or a loss. I am glad I kept going though; I still have hope for a good outcome.

Another thing I wanted to document, for me personally, that I even cheated this month and it still didn’t help. I was supposed to start my bravelle on CD15 but I did my first injection on CD14, and even with me cheating it didn’t give me a quicker result, I only did a 75 that day not the 150, and 150 wasn’t doing anything so it didn’t matter. 225 Has helped a bit but only time will tell. I have my fingers crossed though, that this is it.... I pray that it is!

Update

Well it's been awhile since I updated really. The more and more we get more bad news the less hopeful I feel with this process so I just havent wanted to write. I was unable to get any donated meds this cycle, just 1 samble box with 1 days worth of meds (to get me started). So I was like ok we are going to do this one more time, and I bought the remaining meds to hope it could get me thru. That cost me $504 dollars.... ughhh but it was the cheapest I could find, its actually just the cheapest brand. If I could have it my way.... you pay what you get for... I would just buy the follistim because we know I respond well to that medication... but I cant afford $1700... 500 is already killing me.

So I went in for my first ulatrasound after taking 150iu of Bravelle on CD11 and we had NOTHING... one tiny little follice that was not even worth measuring. My estrogen levels were only at 42.6 which is very low so they told me to bump up my meds to 225.... uh oh.... I only have 1 vile left. I asked around if any office had samples and I managed to get 5 more vials of Bravelle. So I had my fingers crossed would be enough to finish this cycle. Maybe 225 was a better mix for me and I would finally start really responding to. 

Today I went in for another ultrasound after doing 3 days with 225iu Bravelle and I only have 1 follicle measuring about 10mm... still not good news. I have a ton of follies total, just small ones they dont even measure. So they never told me what my estrogen was but they did say I would need 9 more vials of meds to finish out this cycle with any hope.... so Im at a crossroads... do I pay another 500 bucks for something I might not responding to at all? What happens if this does work but I dont end up pregnant, then ill have wasted 1000 dollars on meds in one month and 400 on the iui itself. So After some talks with the family, I decided I needed to do this one last time for now and risk it all at a chance. If this doesnt work Ben and I have agreed we need to focus on other stuff and once he comes home we can try and squeeze a cycle in while hes still on insurance, which will be about 3 months.

This is becoming a heartbreaking journey and Im not sure anymore if its worth it.

My heart hurts today....

So the doctors assume you want to keep going after a failed IUI or IVF, which is their job because I was so unsure.... so they throw you a new treatment plan and fill a new prescription and then you hit a huge bump in the road. I went to the dr on Sunday to get my 1st cycle ultrasound to see where we are at. I had an ovary full of cysts on the right... but small ones (pcos) and a collapsing cyst on the left, which has caused some discomfort. The ultrasound was pretty uncomfortable and they said usually when your on your period it hurts a bit to poke around down there... I never knew that? The lining looked good, she did not mention a fibroid this time around, she did measure around on the lining but she didnt seemed to concerned that it would cause problems. They did not take blood this time and im also not sure why...I dont think I have actually had an appointment without having my blood taken. Which is a reason the people at work started talking... they would see bruises on my arms and over heard I was in "treatment" and overheard me talking to walgreens about needles for my injections...lol even adults (GROWN ADULTS) make shit up to gossip. SO I met with my boss (linda) who I discussed my situation with, not to its full extent but enough to where she understood what and why I am doing what I am doing as far as treating my health issues and ultimately trying to conceive before needing surgery for whatever reason. She made me feel ok about if I needed to have a day that I could call in as long as I had those dr notes. So the people at work are a little more like "ohhhh I feel like an idiot for fabricating a story to make it sound good". People at work arent the only ones who do that, and its retarded. But anyways... so far my stats to continue this cycle are: 75mg of letrozole, 150 gonal f, novarel, estrogen and progesterone. But today there is a catch... I cant afford it.

One of the BIGGEST reasons I choose to try last month was because I was given a donated medicine that would normally cost me $1700.... and it hurts my heart that it didnt work. Walgreens called me today and said Tricare does NOT cover fertility drugs. They gave me Gonal F this time thinking it was going to be covered by tricare or at least cheaper. They called today and told me my prescription would cost $700.09 for JUST the gonal. I am now beyond discouraged. I dont have that much money to spend on something that obviously only MIGHT happen... not guaranteed...so another $400 for the IUI plus $800+ for the meds. I think I have looked into just about all my options and its just not looking good right now. Im frustrated... im hurt... and the failed IUI hurts even more today when it looks like that could have been my only chance at IUI. Part of me still has hope that SOMETHING will happen... someone will donate again, right? Maybe ill find a thousand dollars on my front porch. I wish the doctor's office could just lie to tricare or something... bend the truth... just simply say im doing HRT. I wish there was SOMETHING I could do.... but today as it stands its not going to happen. Maybe its time to put it out of sight out of mind....

Today marks the worst period ever!

I had a feeling today, after the mess when I got out of bed this morning, that this period was going to be bad. I put on basically 3 layers of underwear to only bleed thru them so badly at work I had to sneak away to clock out... im sure walking sideways looked funny to people but its better they ask why are you walking like that instead of OMG ewwww!! This will be a short post because nobody really wants to hear about my period looking like a murder scene... but today marks the worst period ever. I am almost convinced that this is a miscarriage because this is like no other period, its not even quiet like a previous miscarriage I had, I had alot of cramps with that one, this one hurts in my back and is messy as f**k! Its black, abundent, and clotty. Hopefully it will go away faster because its so heavy. Well update: The dr called me back this morning, after I called in my period, and I have an appt at 645am so I can make it to work on time...Its amazing these nurses wake up that early to make sure I can continue my cycle. So they will be able to give me an ultrasound in the morning to see where im sitting as far as my overys go. Then ill have a better idea where we go from here. Hurry up and wait....

IUI #1 = Fail

Officially today marked #1 IUI = FAILED. I started my period today, well the process of starting anyways. I am a little concerned that Ive had  *TMI ALERT* some green discharge... that to me marks an infection... I would think which might explain why my lower back was hurting. *light bulb* I was really upset yesterday when I got the news that I was not pregnant because I had felt SO sure... I spent the night crying like I thought I would, had a few sad moments today, and then the realization it had truly failed once I started my period. But I cant be sad forever because there is nothing that could change this. It hurts, but its time to move on and depending how this goes I might concentrate on other medical issues like the fibroids this time, or my wisdom teeth, or something and take a month off. I started today meaning I have 3 days to get my first ultrasound... I work tomorrow (1) Saturday (2) and sunday I am off so if they can pull some string for JUST me (doubtful) then I could get my ultrasound done on Sunday and we can move foward with another cycle and more meds. BUT if I cannot be seen sunday I am not sure if Ill be able to start a new cycle right now, because I work monday (4) and tuesday (5) so I would be on day 6 of my cycle which would be to late to start the first meds, so they might wait till I just start another period and hope that we fall on the right days next time... and in the meantime Ill go to the dentist. I am still going back and forth on whether or not I want to do this again... but I think im still dealing with the emotional rollercoaster I just got off. Why would I want to ride again? I know I will one day but ill see how I feel once I talk to my doctor.

 I know this process and journey so far has made me appreciate and thank god more for Grayson. At least I had Grayson, thats what we've always said but after this last month its been even more true. Yes there are things I would have done different, alot actually, but hes MINE and for the last year of his life I didnt have to even share, hes mommas baby. He sleeps with me and gives me lots of kisses... I got to experience all this, and I havent had to miss any big steps in his life so at least I had that too.  And if he is the only one I will ever have I will never adopt no matter how much I want a bigger family. Grayson will just be held high on a pedestal and be oneeeeee spoiled baby.

Today WAS the day.....

Sad sad day..... I got my 1st beta blood test today and it came back negative. :*( I lost it before I even knew what it was.... I lost something I was soooo sure that I had! I was so sure that this had happened that I had bought my first pregnancy scrub top, I had picked up that babies r us newborn gift tote, and was seriously only worried about if this test was going to show if I had conceived twins or not. I cried harder today then I have in a very long time, harder then when Ben was deployed. My mother had stayed over at the right time, and was there to talk reason and to listen to me blabber thru tears of why me's... even though I know somewhat why. I have health issues that cant be ignored like I had hoped it could be....my "high school sweetheart" gave me HPV that was a cancerous strand that numerous times has popped up on me, one time I got surgery and the other time I was pregnant with Grayson and chose not to do anything about. He is the reason I have the worst issues right now, and there is nothing I can do about it. I was cheated on in HIGH SCHOOL, during one of those changes in life that shouldnt SHAPE your entire future... from one person - I am now going thru the hardest times. Now, I honestly cannot just blame him obviously there were also things I did (besides getting back with the douche bag) but I chose for a year to not get it looked at again after Grayson, and it found its way into my uterus. The denial of  "teenagers do not get cancer" "I am only 22 this is my fertile time, this is my prime, this cant happen to me" got the best of me and now im sitting here broken hearted from my first failed IUI. I guess this blog couldnt just be 9 entries long and things move forward, thats not my luck. The most heartbreaking part is I WAS SO SURE!!! Today was the day, and I had said that 5 times to the nurses, I just knew I was pregnant. But.... im not :( so I am faced with the decision to move forward and try again or to give it a break for a month... we all know what ill probably end up doing, Ill move forward and do this again with high hopes it will be my time....but this has been one of the most emotional journeys I have ever been on. From cancer, to surgery, to infertility, to now another possible miscarriage. I am scared I am going to be double over in pain in a few days after I stop these medications. I am afraid I am going to do another cycle and miss work again for nothing, I am afraid this journey will only end in the position I am in currently with only bad news. I am blessed I was given Grayson though, at least I got him if anything, I love him more today then I did when he was born, and I didnt think that was possible, so no matter what this journey will never be first priority and it will never hurt as bad as if I lost Grayson. My mom called this a small hump I have to overcome, a setback, today it feels like a brick wall.... so Ill see how I feel after this period is over with and go from there. It does hurt worse then I thought it would..... :(