I Think Its SAFE to Say!!!

Well I would think its safe to say...... IM PREGNANT! Well... maybe, my official 100% proof and blood test is wen, so that blog will be "hopefully" YAY I KNEW IT!! I was told by my re/dr that the HCG shot is out of your system 1 day for every 1000iu so by now it would have been out of my system. I was told that the HCG booster shot was just to kick start my hormones to start to support the pregnancy. I know the longer/harder wait is yet to come. I still have to make it past my doctors OFFICE's fear of 9 weeks (most miscarriages happen by then) and my DOCTORS fear of 12 weeks... so I have alot to hold on to right now. Its been 6 days since I took my HCG booster (2500 iu) so the test was very dark... yes I opened it up to see lol... the lines are def darker then ive been getting, so that could only mean one thing! IM PREGNANT!!! I know I shouldnt get to excited before my blood test, and I know I should hold out on jumping up and down till after my ultrasound...

Its been a long road so far, I only started really blogging AFTER the IUI was happening, I should have started from the first visit on, that would have shown more struggle and heart ache. I probably should have even blogged about my miscarriage last Feb 2010 just to capture that particular mixed feeling heartbreak. But this particular journey has been going on officially in January 2011, when a pap smear and ultrasound showed something’s not right. So with further testing opened me up to the hysteroscopy with laparoscopy where they found the cancerous fibroids in my uterus, and other awful things. 5 long months of bad news after bad news... while I was doing this alone... and then I decided I needed to tell someone... I needed to be able to have SOMEONES support whether they agreed with the process or not, I needed someone so I did open up to family and a close friend who have walked me thru the process with the pick me ups and the good lucks, and the call me after you knows. After finally talking to my mom about what I decided to go for during my HRT she didnt even looked that surprised, but she told me that whatever happen she was going to be there for me. That with whatever happens she will always have my back, and shes going to be there when we break it to the family. It looks a little bad, Ben not being here, other family members being pregnant (not that it mattered to me, but might matter to others).. I mean this is our second baby, and I FULLY believe I can and will do this to my best ability....but its very mind easing to know I have my Mother on my side. I have also had Tricia close thru this process and she has been here after surgery, to let me bring you dinner and you can talk about the test results, to lets go have some retail therapy to make you feel better. She has been the #1 fan/supporter of this whole thing. From day one, and thats what I love about her most, shes not like other friends... ok she has issues, but if I called her saying im bleeding she would be here in a heart beat, along with the only other women in my life... my mom. So no matter what, and who cares what others think, I WANT more children, I LOVE being a mom, and this IS a joyous occasion! I think I have proved to distant family I am fully capable of providing and loving a child, along with spoiling lol... but even though Im young... I can do this, even if its twins!

The Stats: Thursdays blood  progesterone test showed a 57.8, that’s not including my progesterone supplement (that doesn’t show in blood, when they called me they explained that).. they want to see anything over a 20 and im double that J So that’s GOOD NEWS! Im 14dpo and 13dpiui, which by now implantation has occurred for sure, I never got any spotting, and haven’t so far. I did with Grayson. I haven’t really had many symptoms really, same “pulled muscle” cramp across uterus which could be from stretching… but already?? What if im having triplets? Haha just kidding… I think I would be sick sick sick with pregnancy symptoms if that were the case. I did FINALLY feel some nausea creep up on my last night that wasn’t as bad to actually want to puke, but was so noticeable I ate a whole thing of crackers in bed at 1030pm. Today I have noticed I have some sensitivity/soreness? In my nipples.  I have soreness in my lower back, that I constantly blame on work and Grayson lol. Overall I am still in good spirits, still happy.. some small things are starting to irritate me so maybe that’s pms… I wont know till Wed for sure.  Same increased cm and my cervix is soft and open.. and at this point there is nothing to look into with that because if I am pregnant it should change. Bbt was 98.0 this morning so hopefully that’s still a good sign. I would think Id be starting a period by now for sure if I wasn’t pregnant, so my temp would have def dropped in the days before it happens… but each week is going to be what if’s until im past 12 weeks safely. J

One More Week Till We Know

I had another dr appt today, nothing crazy just a progesterone strip and some other hormone but I cant remember the name, and a consultation with my dr/re. I was initially very stressed about today becasue I was supposed to have my appt in BEAMONT! 2 1/2 hour drive one way, for a consultation because my dr was going to be out of town and they were booked with appt's today, I could see her tomorrow though. BUT I have work, and I am walking a thin line at work with this journey so I said no I cant do that. So I wasnt sure how long I was going to be at the dr, or if I was going to be able to speak to her at all, but even like my gyno, they know me by name now and call me hun and they got me in and out in 2 hours. My dr is a wonder women, she works in all these places and does such amazing work with all us women and I wonder sometimes how she even sleeps, she has a family of her own too, but she was willing to rush back to speak to me about my cycle. She gave me the "low down" on the "what-if's" and basically gave me a new cycle plan if I start my period. She repeated the stats of bens frozen specimen and my blood levels and said she was confident I would become pregnant but then she fully reminded me the risks I have, and the health issues im FULLY faced with. The things I didnt want to hear she said to me, which is what I need to understand if this doesnt happen, because unlike many women I have alot at stake and alot of hurdles to jump before this is rewarding. She repeated cancerous cells a few times, adheshions, tubal problems (which I had never heard before) that they are twisted along with one ovary, another ovary is enlarged from PCOS, wow right! Unicornate/half uterus with fibroids and adhesions... what exactly is an adhesion? She thru all these medical terms, paragraph long and said now you remember this when you see your period, you do have EXPLAINED infertility so dont ask why, it'll be ok, and here is our plan B, here are the new meds you will take and we will do this again. Most women dont get pregnant the first time being fully healthy, yes its heartbreaking but this is why YOUR a women, women are strong, and you are strong. So.... she made me feel bad and good at the same time, and thats also why shes wonder women. She IS worth the drive, just not to beaumont lol. I will know tomorrow if I have to do one more HCG shot, I am hoping that one was enough, but I am prepared to do one more. I really am... Im not as nervous becasue now I have 2 awful shots plus a bunch of other injections under my belt...but today I feel confident, I might not feel that way if I hear bad news. But I will do what I have to do if it means keeping this. I will not have my pregnancy test until next wed, a blood test, so I will know in ONE MORE WEEK what my fate is for now. THEN it will be 2 weeks from then around June 13th we will get our first untrasound and we will be able to see how many, but we are all very confident I only had one mature follicle on the left, and I had a semi on my right, but the adhesions would make it hard for those follicles to mature, or travel.

So Ben and I compiled another simple list...lol... of things we want/need for a new baby. Obviously we dont need a new crib or dresser, Graysons getting his big boy bed when Ben gets home with his matching furniture, from the cat and the hat. His bedroom set is 570, for everything even a matress so we are going to invest in that. So the big big big things are really taken care of, the new baby will get hand me downs!! Yay lol the new baby will have the dresser and crib set and then in a few years we will make a plan from there depending on the sex. But here we go this is the top things we are going to invest in early on... starting from ultrasound on.... (we are counting on just one baby so this is the plan for one baby) a baby monitor this time, we plan on moving the babies upstairs, together sometime so we are going to invest in a video monitor. Our original plan was a bassinet, but of course they come out with new things every year so we want a smaller play and play that has the diaper change add on AND the tiny baby bed attachment that can be rocked, all on a play and pack!! Its 150 so we are going to invest in that for the newborn stages. We are going to get a new swing, the one that goes around a half circle instead of the one we have that clicks. Of course we are going to give this baby a theme so we will invest in a theme for the room, bed set ect. A new breast pump, or at least new conectors to the one I have becasue I plan on breastfeeding as long as I can this time. We have all the other big items, plus bottles and blankets and toys. So our biggest thing is to start stocking up on diapers, wipes, formula. $50 a paycheck is so do-able and by the time the babies here it wont be such a burden. That means one big item a month, and $50 a paycheck. Some stuff we obviously cant buy if we dont know the sex, so that will also come later, I just havent fully decided if I am going find out the sex early or not. I want to make the MOST of this pregnancy, the best pregnancy, the most enjoyable expierence. So If there is only one baby we are going to try to not find out the gender, and if there are twins we WILL need and have to know the gender.

The stats: 12 dpo 11 dpiui, we should be able to know by now but I had to do a bosster hcg so it would give a false positive. No symptoms yet.. or whatever... just some of the usual. Temp this morning was 97.9 and it mostly is so I think thats a little low, the 98's are what I would like to see all the time... same cm which I am STILL assuming is from the meds I take. Same muscle pulling cramp on sides when I sneeze, cough, or move fast.. or move wrong... or move at alll! Maybe an increase in smell, but i dont notice is constantly just sometimes when its a bad smell to me. Stil in nesting phase as you can tell, but thats from the hcg shot for sure if I am not pregnant.lol Same meds estrace and progesterone. Dr appt one week from today and we will find out!!

I had another dr appt today, nothing crazy just a progesterone strip and some other hormone but I cant remember the name, and a consultation with my dr/re. I was initially very stressed about today becasue I was supposed to have my appt in BEAMONT! 2 1/2 hour drive one way, for a consultation because my dr was going to be out of town and they were booked with appt's today, I could see her tomorrow though. BUT I have work, and I am walking a thin line at work with this journey so I said no I cant do that. So I wasnt sure how long I was going to be at the dr, or if I was going to be able to speak to her at all, but even like my gyno, they know me by name now and call me hun and they got me in and out in 2 hours. My dr is a wonder women, she works in all these places and does such amazing work with all us women and I wonder sometimes how she even sleeps, she has a family of her own too, but she was willing to rush back to speak to me about my cycle. She gave me the "low down" on the "what-if's" and basically gave me a new cycle plan if I start my period. She repeated the stats of bens frozen specimen and my blood levels and said she was confident I would become pregnant but then she fully reminded me the risks I have, and the health issues im FULLY faced with. The things I didnt want to hear she said to me, which is what I need to understand if this doesnt happen, because unlike many women I have alot at stake and alot of hurdles to jump before this is rewarding. She repeated cancerous cells a few times, adheshions, tubal problems (which I had never heard before) that they are twisted along with one ovary, another ovary is enlarged from PCOS, wow right! Unicornate/half uterus with fibroids and adhesions... what exactly is an adhesion? She thru all these medical terms, paragraph long and said now you remember this when you see your period, you do have EXPLAINED infertility so dont ask why, it'll be ok, and here is our plan B, here are the new meds you will take and we will do this again. Most women dont get pregnant the first time being fully healthy, yes its heartbreaking but this is why YOUR a women, women are strong, and you are strong. So.... she made me feel bad and good at the same time, and thats also why shes wonder women. She IS worth the drive, just not to beaumont lol. I will know tomorrow if I have to do one more HCG shot, I am hoping that one was enough, but I am prepared to do one more. I really am... Im not as nervous becasue now I have 2 awful shots plus a bunch of other injections under my belt...but today I feel confident, I might not feel that way if I hear bad news. But I will do what I have to do if it means keeping this. I will not have my pregnancy test until next wed, a blood test, so I will know in ONE MORE WEEK what my fate is for now. THEN it will be 2 weeks from then around June 13th we will get our first untrasound and we will be able to see how many, but we are all very confident I only had one mature follicle on the left, and I had a semi on my right, but the adhesions would make it hard for those follicles to mature, or travel.

So Ben and I compiled another simple list...lol... of things we want/need for a new baby. Obviously we dont need a new crib or dresser, Graysons getting his big boy bed when Ben gets home with his matching furniture, from the cat and the hat. His bedroom set is 570, for everything even a matress so we are going to invest in that. So the big big big things are really taken care of, the new baby will get hand me downs!! Yay lol the new baby will have the dresser and crib set and then in a few years we will make a plan from there depending on the sex. But here we go this is the top things we are going to invest in early on... starting from ultrasound on.... (we are counting on just one baby so this is the plan for one baby) a baby monitor this time, we plan on moving the babies upstairs, together sometime so we are going to invest in a video monitor. Our original plan was a bassinet, but of course they come out with new things every year so we want a smaller play and play that has the diaper change add on AND the tiny baby bed attachment that can be rocked, all on a play and pack!! Its 150 so we are going to invest in that for the newborn stages. We are going to get a new swing, the one that goes around a half circle instead of the one we have that clicks. Of course we are going to give this baby a theme so we will invest in a theme for the room, bed set ect. A new breast pump, or at least new conectors to the one I have becasue I plan on breastfeeding as long as I can this time. We have all the other big items, plus bottles and blankets and toys. So our biggest thing is to start stocking up on diapers, wipes, formula. $50 a paycheck is so do-able and by the time the babies here it wont be such a burden. That means one big item a month, and $50 a paycheck. Some stuff we obviously cant buy if we dont know the sex, so that will also come later, I just havent fully decided if I am going find out the sex early or not. I want to make the MOST of this pregnancy, the best pregnancy, the most enjoyable expierence. So If there is only one baby we are going to try to not find out the gender, and if there are twins we WILL need and have to know the gender.

The stats: 12 dpo 11 dpiui, we should be able to know by now but I had to do a bosster hcg so it would give a false positive. No symptoms yet.. or whatever... just some of the usual. Temp this morning was 97.9 and it mostly is so I think thats a little low, the 98's are what I would like to see all the time... same cm which I am STILL assuming is from the meds I take. Same muscle pulling cramp on sides when I sneeze, cough, or move fast.. or move wrong... or move at alll! Maybe an increase in smell, but i dont notice is constantly just sometimes when its a bad smell to me. Stil in nesting phase as you can tell, but thats from the hcg shot for sure if I am not pregnant.lol Same meds estrace and progesterone. Dr appt one week from today and we will find out!!

Is this REAL?

.

We are moving right along I guess. I have not been blogging the last few days becasue I have been trying to keep my mind of obsessing over if I am or am not pregnant. Its hard. Im officially 11dpo 10dpiui.... and I would most likely be able to tell at this point if I was pregnant, except I had to give myself a booster HCG injection, so another intramuscular injection. My hormone levels are not what they need to be to sustain this pregnancy, so I have to give myself these injections 3 times total. Once monday and then again on friday. This time it wasnt nearly as bad as the first...which got me thinking... I must have done something wrong. I bruised really bad, I also had a fair amount of blood when I did it, not in the injection itself but afterwards. This time I did my left leg, the skin was much tougher then my right, the needle was harder to poke thru. I only had to do inject 2500iu instead of the trigger which is 10,000. No blood this time, not even pulling the needle out which like I mentioned the skin was much tougher so it actually grabbed the neddle and I had to tug it a little. So a pregnancy is going to show a positive, I would assume... I couldnt resist so I took one anyways. *I know I know* its hard though! I wish I just KNEW! But the test came back a strong positive, and I read it only takes a day per 2500 to get out of your system, so being that strong could be a pretty good hint? The only true "symptom" I have is if I cough or roll over in bed each side of my uterus/ovarys feel like Im pulling a muscle. I remember this when i was pregnant with Grayson... but it mostly happen when I would sneeze, this just happens when im usually tossing and turning in bed or moving around at work. Its been my only true symptom that says, yes dear you did concieve! My cm is definetly increased, which I HATE, it makes me feel icky, but im assuming again this is not a true pregnancy symptom that this is from the progesterone supositories I have to take in order to get the extra boost in progesterone that I need to carry this pregnancy. I am still taking my estrace which I have yet to figure out why I need that.

So I have compiled a simple list of top reasons we did this right now. I am not only keeping this for my personal remembrance but also to show I didnt just wake up one morning and say lets go get invitro!

1. I have 100% coverage in health insurance, BIG DEAL! I will not always have full coverage like this, only since Ben is deployed and active. With fertility treatments and medical procedures its a HUGE weight lifted finacially.

2. I had surgery in Feb 2011, the found cancerous uterin fibroids, most likely caused from untreated cervical cancer. Now I've never seen an a CANCER doctor, only was told I had CANCEROUS cells on the cervic back in 2006, 2009, 2010 and 2011. I fell into this denial phase where I didnt want to ruin my chances at having kids in the future so I convinced myself dont go to the dr because I had been told for 2 years I was going to eventually need a hysterectomy, and that scared me. I didnt realize the cost to my health I was making by not taking care of it. It spread after I gave birth to Grayson, and eventually we ended up here. My hormones are all screwed up, my body keeps producing these fibroids, I am also poly cystic so bad they want to remove the ovarys all together. SOOOO moral of the story, fibroids in the utreus calls for removal of the uterus, poly cystic that is not treatable also calls for removal of ovarys =no reporductive organs means no more babies. I was given an oppurtunity to go on HRT (hormonal replacememt therapy) to control my health condition in hopes that it would be enough to keep everything under control. April I found that I have 2 more fibroids, and more cysts, raising the risks of everything and I made the adult decision, that this was my chance. People may disagree, but I felt in my heart, and after all the dissapointing dr appts saying this isnt going to be easy, this might not happen, this is the road we are on... i decided lets go for it, lets start the fertility treatments.

3. The follistim injections I was told I needed to take are NOT covered under our insurance policy... road block! The perscription cost $1700.00 over the counter to BUY. UHHHM I dont have that kind of money to give on just a POSSIBILTY of ovulating... so I quit. 3 weeks later after the continuous bad news of my uterus, ovarys and hormones, I started to really feel like this was the end of the road... and then I got a call from one of the nurses saying they passed my name around in the offie and my condition and I was DONATED the injections!! Not the needles just one cycles worth of medicine that I could use to try this one time. SO I took it!! That saved me $1700!!! That was a sign that I needed to give this a shot, no pun intended, that this was my oppurtunity.

4. The finacial stability right now is good for supporting children. It might not be this stable once Ben comes home, but for now we would be able to fully prepare and take these 9 months and really stock on things we would need. This deployment fixed alot of finacial issues for us, and it would give us a chance to finally put some money in savings for the kids. My labor and delivery, would be fully covered under our insurance, going back to #1, a BIG DEAL! All of my prenatal meds, appointments, ultrasounds, and procedures are fully covered. We wont get this kind of insurance again because Ben will not be active duty again. Another sign that we needed to try!

Simple list right? Well it is really simple... insurance, my health, and donated medicine. Plus a few extra open oppurtunitys that said, do this, try this at least this time. I dont know that ill be able to do another cycle after this, which will make the negative result hurt that much more. I wonder if it would even be worth it no matter how badly I want this now... I didnt really put much thought to it in the begining, it all started with a trip to a gyno and the concentration was fixing everything inside. I wonder if once I find out im not pregnant, it will hurt but will I still have the drive to find a way to make another cycle work... even though another $2100 is stupid when we have grayson right now, and maybe God can suprise me in life with a new baby later on? Or what if I miscarry like that DO warn me about, they have to I guess.... which is different then my old gyno he was like everything OK!! Everything looks GOOD! But I guess he only delivers babies... I wont have my dr now once I make it past 12 weeks they dont delivery babies or anything. They do all they can to keep a pregnancy. But what if I do lose it before 12 weeks... then I wont have the strength to do it again for a long time... so many outcomes and such a long time to wait....

The stats: 11dpo 10dpiui...a really awful break out, increased cm it feel likes sometimes im peeing myself with no control! haha I do have particular cravings... i mean craving... Fountain dr pepper not one from a can just fountain dr pepper... now this could be from just the hcg shot, after all I might get pregnancy symptoms from that. No sore nipples or anything.BBTwas 98.3....good? I had some increased sense of smell monday and it drifted tuesday... which was weird because I didnt take my shot until monday NIGHT after work, and all day I could smell everything. Tuesday wasnt as bad. The "pull muscle" cramps when I cough, sneeze, or while im trying to sleep. I am taking all the drugs and doing everything the dr told me to do. Estrace, progesterone, HCG booter shots.  My sleep dr also dropped my sleep  medication so that before this pregnancy is in full swing I can wing off the ambien and not even take a tiny risk  of losing these babies. I took ambien my whole pregnancy last time, but i didnt have to go thru all this. * and I jussssssssssssst sneezed and this SHARP cramp across my uterus. So maybe I really really am pregnant!?!?!?!?

It Feels Like Nesting...

I am now 8dpo 7dpiui... still nothing. I feel very discouraged at this didnt happen. Today I have had no cramps, no sore boobs, no spotting, no crazy emotions, no cm changes, no pregnancy symptoms. The only thing I think happen was the HCG made me go into nesting. I feel like even though I dont even know if im truly pregnant, I want to clean and prepare for another baby. I have this urge to start hoarding baby things and that im thinking of what needs to be done first as far as housework (tile, carpet, paint, furniture) to make a better place for more babies. I also had a dream last night that I went to the bathroom and was ethier just bleeding or started a period- ethier way not what I want. I dont remember why or when just that it happen. The HCG is out of my system, and I know this becasue a pregnancy test is coming back negative and not positive like it was a few days after the trigger. I finally remembered to take my temp this morning and it was 98.2 so thats till pretty high for my normal basal, and the other morning (2-3 days ago) when I took my temp it was only 97.4 or 97.6 which had me even more discouraged because thats so low for a basal. I just dont know... and I am going crazy not knowing what my fate is.

The stats: 8 dpo, 9 iui... lots of white lotion thick cm, basl 98.2 *good I hope*, no more cramps which I feel is a mixed signal. I am not emotional yet, just anxious to know what the outcome will be. Last night i pressed down on my stomach during a cramp and it felt hard... but it could be just the position I was laying. I am taking my progesterone every night along with the estrace like I was told, and I have to give myself 2 more hcg shots, which is CRAZY... ive never heard of having to do a "trigger" more then the one time.. so im nervous about that because it hurt so bad the first time. A really ugly breakout, cervix is still low open and not wet, just lotion stuff. Dull headache and backache off and on, not so much today but yesterday I had a bachache all day at work. And nesting like symptoms...but we are on week one so we only have 2 more weeks to go on my 2ww...( makes sense right?) to go. Im hoping I get more hints later this week as to whats going on :)

OUCHHHHHH

Today makes 5 dpIUI! Can the time go any faster?! I didnt post last night because I was haing the WORST of cramps. Like right now, its 650pm and I feel as though *cough* I am miscarrying. My stomach is hurting so baddddd. I feel pain on the right, left, and center of uterus. Well... I feel a burning pain in my right ovary, my uterus itself hurts, and some, what feels like, left tube pain. My brain cannot help but think "omg do I have an ectopic?", "omg is this BAD cramping?", "am I going to go to the bathroom and see loads of blood?!". The cramps are really bad for me. I dont feel pregnant, I actually feel down today and discouraged that I even conceived. I was given the HCG shot so I have had some cravings, nothing out of the norm, but today at work we had a sports party and they had a huge container of pickles... even NOT pregnant I love pickles so I took a whole plate full back to my desk. The girls next to me went... "are you pregnant??". My heart sank for a minute saying "AM I?!" but i simply asked why and they said UHM hellooo you have a plate of only pickles. I finally realized what they meant and I said oh no and laughed it off. I am not craving pickles, but why can a girl only eat pickles pregnant?

Last night I FINALLY slept. I mean I haven't slept thru or TILL my alarm in the morning in months. I always wake up around 6am to only lay there for 30 mins checking facebook or email till my alarm goes off and I crawl out of bed to get ready for work. Last night I actually fell asleep, where I wasnt looking at the clock or waking up a million times to grayson getting smothered by his blankets and looking for his bottle. The only thing that got me out of bed was thinking of getting breakfast on my way to work. Speaking of.... I ate so much today its disgusting. I got breakfast on my way to work, ate it in the car in traffic, then I sat at my desk and ate some gummy bears, then had a hotdog with pickles for lunch at our work social, had some chips, cotton candy and a cookie. Free food, why not?? Either way I feel.....ashamed.....hahaha. Tonight I just shared a bowl of spaghetti o's with my son, and I feel even more ashamed. I hope there are more then one in there because they will give me a good excuse of being fat. Then of course my emotions will get the best of me and Ill cry when I hit 200lbs. If im not pregnant, well im just a fatty.

Today also was NON STOP "Tomorrow is judgement day! Tomorrow is the end of the world! Tomorrow the chosen ones will disappear!" and as im sitting at my desk wondering to myself how crazy the peope around me are, I cant help but go "well this new baby better not be a chosen one!". HAHA I figured it was stupid enough to document. I also asked Grayson on the way home if he wanted a baby, he simply said "no". I then asked him if mommy could have a baby and he told me "I dont know". Hes like an 8 ball.... you only get one word answers from it, not every answer is what you want LOL.

The stats:

6 dpo/ 5dpiui: CRAMPS!! Constipation... ohh yeah I know you wanted to know that. Cm is still lotion white...thick. I am only mostly noticing cramps today. I took  my temp this morning and it was only in the 97's, which is low. Also, breakout... all these hormone treatments have given me the WORST breakout. I start taking my progesterone today hopefully that will help with the cramps....right?? I am also taking estrace every night and I still have not done the research on that as to  if thats why I am also getting positive pregnancy tests, yes still, so maybe we have some hope? I am wondering how I am going to make it the rest of the month NOT KNOWING!? I am not even sure if they give an ultrasound until a certain point, so my plan with telling Ben might not work the way I had hoped with the care packages. I dont have any symptoms really, just god awful cramps. I guess thats better then having morning sickness?

Changes? What Changes?

3 days post IUI... any changes? Not yet... I blame my headache on the weather... it was cloudy tonight, looked like it rained SOMEWHERE just not here, when there is a front I usually get a headache from the pressure change. Grayson, our 19 month old, has been sleeping in bed with me the past few days and this morning he decided to share my pillow when he woke up at 6am. I could feel him plop on my pillow and I could feel him breathing on my face, so I opened my eyes and all I see are 2 big eyes starring at me! Its still pretty dark at 6am so his eyes were wide open...I decided since it was still dark i'd just turn over in hopes he'd just take over my pillow and sleep another hour. It was quiet for awhile so I began to drift off, and i feel this little hand slap my head...i lay still... then I feel another slap on my shoulder so I finally turned over and looked at him which made him laugh. So 6am Grayson was up and ready to talk. I felt more exhausted this morning then usual...it could be from finally NOT having to wake up at 5am to go to dr appts or work, or that the last few weeks have just been DRAINING! Grayson did snuggle for about 45 mins, watched some Winnie the pooh on my phone before taking his own diaper off...my cue to get up before he peed the bed. So tonight I got my payback when he fell asleep with me on the couch lol.

I also caved and took my first pregnancy test, now before you judge, I know and am fully aware I took an HCG shot so I knew in the back of my head it was to soon... it takes a few days to get out of your system, so to no surprise it came back positive before I stopped peeing. I am glad I dont have more tests laying around the house or they would haunt me. I also understand the reason they do a blood test next week is to only test progesterone because that is the one hormone that you need to KEEP a pregnancy. I went over some of my hormone strips from the past few months, and all of which have shown ive had NO progesterone in my blood stream... part of me thinks "why do I have periods then???"... so i did some research and found that even without OVULATING, you still can have periods because of estrogen overload, which ive had plenty of. So the lining will still shed causing a menses. Crazy stuff, thats part of my infertility struggle.

The stats:

4dpo, 3dpiui: Tiny cramps, I usually dont cramp so cramps are noticeable off and on not constant. I was tired this morning and when I wake up im usually up but it was a little harder considering it was 6am. CM is different... position was somewhat high, soft, open white lotion. Thats the basics. Headache, and had only 2 moments where I wanted to cry looking at fathers day cards and when Grayson was copying my dancing in the car. OH and eating ranch made me feel somewhat sick, like I had ranch overload. Im actually "ewwing" in my head right now. Im still happy but having mixed feelings about this whole process at the same time.

One more day down

So I am now one day past IUI, and this morning I felt fine. I even had a moment of "where are the cramps?".... around noon the bloating kicked in. I have had moments of obsessing over the 2ww, looking up symptoms, writing down how I felt and when I felt it. Of course... I started looking up how long implantation's starts, and when fertilization happens and Ive decided no matter how I feel today- IT DOESNT MATTER! It takes 5-10 days (big gap for the 2ww) for fertilization to happen so I have a week to feel nothing....right? Tonight around 5 I had one sharp pain thru the left ovary, and throughout the day ive had cramps centralized in the... uterus I guess. I have a fullness in my stomach but thats the bloating. I read that bloating happens either way with ovulation and IUI so its nothing promising. Emotionally I feel great. Prometrium and birth control made me crazy emotional, so considering the other injections and hormone treatment ive been on, im actually really happy. I have over a week of waiting before I even remotely have a sign... I have a beta test next Thursday and that will be my first hint to whether or not this was successful. I have read so many things with success rates that part of me is very confident, the other part of me knows what my statistics show, and the reality of infertility. I have also looked at the Chinese gender predictor calenders, for fun, and I gotta say- ERRRRRRRRR WRONG! I conceived my son in January of 2009, at the age of 20, with all that said I was supposed to have a girl! So, if I did in fact conceive May 2011, at the age of 23, im supposed to have a BOY, so it will be a girl right!? lol

All and all, Ben seems very excited that we even went thru with the IUI process and has told me he will contribute to this blog once he has Internet.....which might not be ever. I think it would be a wonderful "journal" to have of this journey and it would be a good reminder how him and I both wanted this. This little bean just has to stick or this blog will be come more of an emotional roller coaster. Overall, so far so good, work did not say anything to me today so I think i might have slipped by without notice. HOPEFULLY, and now that the hard part is out of the way for awhile, things will smooth out and the planning can really begin!

The Stats:
3 dpo I believe, 2 day iui - Bloating, cramps, a few twinges, and fullness in tummy most likely from bloating... which ive never really experienced... just fat days LOL not ever the weirdness of being full of.... air? Lower back pain... not sure if thats something or if its from sleeping wrong... or picking up Grayson the wrong way? ALso.... its like a sore throat but more in my neck, like sore glands. No change in cm at the moment, or emotions. Happy and a sore leg!

So far in our journey in IUI #1

So I decided to blog about this experience, because I want to make the MOST of what im going thru. My husband being deployed has left me feeling alone in a way during this process, but most of all I want him to be able to feel like he's part of this thru our may of communication. We finally started cycle #1 with prometrium to induce a period finally, followed by a cyst aspiration of a 23mm cyst on the left ovary, with follistim injections and finally a novaril trigger! This past month has been a HUGE emotional roller coaster. I have not talked to my family much about this process, in fear of judgement and lack of support...I just dont feel like most people will understand why Ben and I choose to do this NOW. I've had to get surgeries to correct a uterine fibroid problem, which a month later I developed more. Ive been told the chances of conceiving were very low with the PCOS and uterine....cancer. Ive been in and out of the doctors office almost every morning for the past month for blood work, for procedures, for meds and monitoring. FINALLY I was given the go ahead to start my follistim injections! *yay!* Our insurance was not going to cover the cost of the injections ($1700!) but from the grace of God, I was donated one cycle worth of medicine. From that moment on, the realization that this process is so costly, and complicated, my mind was set I needed to try this whether is was the "smart" thing or not. I have been told by three different RE's that I will most likely end in hysterectomy because of all the issues I have been diagnosed with. Which further pushed me to the decision to get the IUI. After all, the froze for free for my husband being away, our insurance right now is at 100%, you absolutely cant beat that! Women dont get this opportunity often, infertility is a costly curse. Although my job is not supportive of this process, I have gone with my gut feelings and continued, calling in when needed to. I dont know the outcome of my career yet.... Ben and I decided a few days of missed work in exchange for the rest of our lives is worth it. I dont have much time due to medial issues, I dont have the money for another cycle, I dont get to do this again so HERE WE GO!

IUI: Friday, may 13th, I was supposed to get my very first trigger. Blood work came back, not ready, not now. I was pissed... I was 30mins late for work that morning, had to drive across town an hour to be told yet again, no. I was written up at work for being late and soon later that day received an email stating "There is no longer an excuss for appointments made on your scheduled days, its no longer tolerated and will be discussed if there are further issues........ect". I then went from pissed to guilty in a matter of an hour. I couldnt help when these appointments fall, I cant control when I ovulate or if I ovulate at all! I have no control with this process, yet......if I tell them what im doing, along with the rest of the world, its not supported. I become a liability to my job. Thats life, I get it. I finally broke it to my mother what exactly I had been doing, and what the reward is when im done.... She's been, like any mother should, supportive and even willing to help with my trigger. I have a feeling they have known for some time, waiting for me to drop the bomb. Saturday rolls around, no dr appt today because I am just simply not there yet. I am impatient, Im having my very first panic attack thinking of the good, bad, ugly, joyful outcomes. Sunday finally comes and its my time to do my trigger shot.... my mom was going to be the one who triggered me...but I only had about a 2 hour window to hit it and she was across town with the family....and this is no news but I have a.....uhm.... COLORFUL family. *cough cough* idiots. So that delayed her making it out. So in order for me to trigger I had to do it MYSELF........ I take a look at this HUGE needle, considering ive been using insulin needles to inject into my stomach, and my heart sinks. I cant do this to myself, how am i going to seriously do this to myself, I need my husband. I need the one and only person who wants this as much as me. I pace.... I talk to myself... I decide this is MY only chance, and Im going to do this. I also decided to record myself on webcam doing the injection to show Ben what I have to go thru! lol I also recorded to watch over and over "wow.... i really did it!?" BOOOYAH!  I did manage to trigger myself in the thigh and here we goooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! My leg is really sore... at first I called my mom scared I did it wrong, it was hard to put any weight on it, so I thought omg I just messed up! They quickly assured me that the pain meant I DID it good! I had stabbed it into the skin, got about an inch down and the pain set it... in my head "ok, do it... no.... ooooooooo..... do it Robin! YOU are STRONG enough! (after first inch) ohh well that was ok amazing, that big needle didnt hurt when it went in!" after the next inch the muscle tightened and i just felt pain, you then have to pull back on the seringe to make sure you got the right spot... if you see blood you have to stab again... lol the anticipation to see if there was blood got me shaking. I could do this twice on one day! But yeah, I did it! Now my leg feels like it someone gave me metal knuckle sandwich!! Worth it though!

The Stats:

follistim injections CD 12-16, last ultrasound taken Sunday may 15th is showed I had 3 follicles mature enough to possibly ovulate. 20mm, 18mm, 16mm. I triggered sunday night and today (Monday) I did my first IUI!!!!! I had to do a blood test first thing to check my beta... progesterone, to see if i was finally ready. I cant even explain the anxiety I have. My beta #1, shows 3.8 and that its most sucessful around 5? Im not sure what that all means.... did I miss it? Is it to soon? Is it perfect timing? I pray, but i honestly have no clue. My husbands sperm was washed and they managed in one straw inject 24 million life sperm, with 80% mobility bumping my chances up to a 35%. Or so the stats say. The actual procedure was very smooth, They let you watch on the ultrasound, where they inject a small catheter and you can see it go thru the cervix and inject the "fluid". I was told I looked like I had very fertile CM and everything was left in the hands of God. I have no felt any cramping yet, I dont know when Ill feel symptoms, if any... I go to work tomorrow and life moves into the dreaded 2ww. I have never wanted something to happen so badly... I have mixed emotions of what i just did though. I cant help but think... how am I going to explain this!? Is it the right time? IS IT EVER?? What if it does happen, what if its multiples, what if it DOESNT happen?! I would die inside even with the mixed emotions. Why I feel this way.... I dont know.... Every time ive had to inject myself, alone, I wonder why did I do this now? I was driven here... I was put here for a reason. This has to happen... I will cross the other bridges when I get there. One day, after that first positive pregnancy test, once I make it past 12 weeks, ill explain. But right now, i feel vonerable to people talking because Ben and I did this behind closed door. Nobody knows what we've been thru, they see from the outside looking in : Ben is deployed in Afghanistan HOW DID YOU GET PREGNANT?! Oh you did IUI with frozen sperm?! WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?! Robin has only half a uterus, how did she manage this? Is it going to hurt them? Can they make it? Soooo many judgemental thoughts that I cant stand right now, so unless this happens for real, Ill leave the explaining to do later :)

so day of IUI, so far so good, im keeping the faith that things happen for a reason.

Lets Start At The Beginning

Here's to the first post of our new Journey. I might as well start with the basics. My husband Ben is a deployed marine and I am a holter technician, mother of one. Ben & I met at work and from the beginning we clicked. I, however, did not develop romantic feelings until later on. Hes always been an amazing person to talk to, and when he was first deployed to Iraq in 2007 is where it all became real. Ive always loved Ben, but as communication became our only way to "be together" my love for him grew much stronger. Communication is key in any relationship, and sometimes we get so caught up in the fast pace of life, we sometimes forget how to communicate. When Ben returned home after that deployment we decided to move into together and I truly fell deeply in love with him. We took a vacation down to Costa Rica where he proposed in a memorable way, and to make a long story short, we got married in May. Today is our second wedding anniversary, although the number two seems so little, so much has happened to us. We bought our first home in October of 08', we quickly started thinking of a family, a life, our future. I became surprisingly pregnant in 2009 and it changed our relationship forever. We did conceive the "ol' natural way" with of course a story to tell. I have always, since I can remember, had reproductive complications. I never could get the birth control right, I never had menstrual cycles, I've had surgery multiple times from endometriosis to cancerous cells on the cervix, I've had a unicornate uterus, twisted fallopian tubes, rare ovulation, poly cystic ovaries, incontinent cervix, and so on. My first pregnancy was no rainbow and butterflies like I had always dreamed it to be... I found myself hospitalized so many times  in prelabor, high blood pressure, and preclamsia. I did however deliver naturally a healthy baby boy, although I was in labor for 31 hours with plenty of complications, everything turned out just fine! We named him Grayson, and he has been the light of my life since the minute I knew I was pregnant. My love for him is stronger then any imaginable force I can think of. We found out Ben was deploying again and started discussing our future plans for our family. The road has been bumpy from the beginning, we've been so broke that we've sold everything in our house to make a mortgage payment, taken out loans to pay debt, we've fought, cried, left the room slamming a door, but we are still together emotionally going strong. We love Grayson, hes brought so much joy and happiness in hard times, so we talked about having a second. While he is deployed our financial situation becomes much greener, we have health insurance which is also a huge deal, but the sad realization of my health became a road block. We tried for months trying to conceive a second child naturally... I am talking OPK's, tracking periods, tracking non existent periods, basal temperatures and ect. All the while, because the road has been so bumpy, we decided as a couple we were going to keep our future aspirations to a dull roar. We decided not to discuss these issues with family, this was OUR decision and OUR journey. I started seeing a fertility specialist after a miscarriage in 2010 and that is where our newest journey has began.

I started the process with high hopes, that this would be so easy, take a few ovulatory pills, have some timed sex.... and bam have a baby! Not so likely. My doctor started running all kinds of tests, from cancer screenings, to hormone testing, HSG, Hysteroscopys, Leeps, Laproscopy, and endiometrical biopsies. I have been thru it ALL! For those who know infertility the answer is already clear... I have problems. Tests started flowing in with every bad news imaginable, even the word cancer has been thrown around many times. I started falling into denial that I had any issues, I kept holding off thinking this couldn't happen to me, im young and healthy.... so the Journey begins. I started having procedures done, cyst aspirations, injections, ultrasounds, negative results, the highs the lows.... and finally it was time for Ben to deploy..... this couldn't possibly be the end for over a year! So we decided I would continue with this emotional roller coaster while he fights this war to provide for our family. Deployed members are offered free cyro sperm freezing at our clinic, so we jumped on it before he left. I think it was a mature, amazing idea and decision for us to do that. So, I have decided to continue fertility treatments for my health and for the sake of a baby. So far we are in 6 months without even a cycle until now.