Today WAS the day.....

Sad sad day..... I got my 1st beta blood test today and it came back negative. :*( I lost it before I even knew what it was.... I lost something I was soooo sure that I had! I was so sure that this had happened that I had bought my first pregnancy scrub top, I had picked up that babies r us newborn gift tote, and was seriously only worried about if this test was going to show if I had conceived twins or not. I cried harder today then I have in a very long time, harder then when Ben was deployed. My mother had stayed over at the right time, and was there to talk reason and to listen to me blabber thru tears of why me's... even though I know somewhat why. I have health issues that cant be ignored like I had hoped it could be....my "high school sweetheart" gave me HPV that was a cancerous strand that numerous times has popped up on me, one time I got surgery and the other time I was pregnant with Grayson and chose not to do anything about. He is the reason I have the worst issues right now, and there is nothing I can do about it. I was cheated on in HIGH SCHOOL, during one of those changes in life that shouldnt SHAPE your entire future... from one person - I am now going thru the hardest times. Now, I honestly cannot just blame him obviously there were also things I did (besides getting back with the douche bag) but I chose for a year to not get it looked at again after Grayson, and it found its way into my uterus. The denial of  "teenagers do not get cancer" "I am only 22 this is my fertile time, this is my prime, this cant happen to me" got the best of me and now im sitting here broken hearted from my first failed IUI. I guess this blog couldnt just be 9 entries long and things move forward, thats not my luck. The most heartbreaking part is I WAS SO SURE!!! Today was the day, and I had said that 5 times to the nurses, I just knew I was pregnant. But.... im not :( so I am faced with the decision to move forward and try again or to give it a break for a month... we all know what ill probably end up doing, Ill move forward and do this again with high hopes it will be my time....but this has been one of the most emotional journeys I have ever been on. From cancer, to surgery, to infertility, to now another possible miscarriage. I am scared I am going to be double over in pain in a few days after I stop these medications. I am afraid I am going to do another cycle and miss work again for nothing, I am afraid this journey will only end in the position I am in currently with only bad news. I am blessed I was given Grayson though, at least I got him if anything, I love him more today then I did when he was born, and I didnt think that was possible, so no matter what this journey will never be first priority and it will never hurt as bad as if I lost Grayson. My mom called this a small hump I have to overcome, a setback, today it feels like a brick wall.... so Ill see how I feel after this period is over with and go from there. It does hurt worse then I thought it would..... :(