Is this REAL?

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We are moving right along I guess. I have not been blogging the last few days becasue I have been trying to keep my mind of obsessing over if I am or am not pregnant. Its hard. Im officially 11dpo 10dpiui.... and I would most likely be able to tell at this point if I was pregnant, except I had to give myself a booster HCG injection, so another intramuscular injection. My hormone levels are not what they need to be to sustain this pregnancy, so I have to give myself these injections 3 times total. Once monday and then again on friday. This time it wasnt nearly as bad as the first...which got me thinking... I must have done something wrong. I bruised really bad, I also had a fair amount of blood when I did it, not in the injection itself but afterwards. This time I did my left leg, the skin was much tougher then my right, the needle was harder to poke thru. I only had to do inject 2500iu instead of the trigger which is 10,000. No blood this time, not even pulling the needle out which like I mentioned the skin was much tougher so it actually grabbed the neddle and I had to tug it a little. So a pregnancy is going to show a positive, I would assume... I couldnt resist so I took one anyways. *I know I know* its hard though! I wish I just KNEW! But the test came back a strong positive, and I read it only takes a day per 2500 to get out of your system, so being that strong could be a pretty good hint? The only true "symptom" I have is if I cough or roll over in bed each side of my uterus/ovarys feel like Im pulling a muscle. I remember this when i was pregnant with Grayson... but it mostly happen when I would sneeze, this just happens when im usually tossing and turning in bed or moving around at work. Its been my only true symptom that says, yes dear you did concieve! My cm is definetly increased, which I HATE, it makes me feel icky, but im assuming again this is not a true pregnancy symptom that this is from the progesterone supositories I have to take in order to get the extra boost in progesterone that I need to carry this pregnancy. I am still taking my estrace which I have yet to figure out why I need that.

So I have compiled a simple list of top reasons we did this right now. I am not only keeping this for my personal remembrance but also to show I didnt just wake up one morning and say lets go get invitro!

1. I have 100% coverage in health insurance, BIG DEAL! I will not always have full coverage like this, only since Ben is deployed and active. With fertility treatments and medical procedures its a HUGE weight lifted finacially.

2. I had surgery in Feb 2011, the found cancerous uterin fibroids, most likely caused from untreated cervical cancer. Now I've never seen an a CANCER doctor, only was told I had CANCEROUS cells on the cervic back in 2006, 2009, 2010 and 2011. I fell into this denial phase where I didnt want to ruin my chances at having kids in the future so I convinced myself dont go to the dr because I had been told for 2 years I was going to eventually need a hysterectomy, and that scared me. I didnt realize the cost to my health I was making by not taking care of it. It spread after I gave birth to Grayson, and eventually we ended up here. My hormones are all screwed up, my body keeps producing these fibroids, I am also poly cystic so bad they want to remove the ovarys all together. SOOOO moral of the story, fibroids in the utreus calls for removal of the uterus, poly cystic that is not treatable also calls for removal of ovarys =no reporductive organs means no more babies. I was given an oppurtunity to go on HRT (hormonal replacememt therapy) to control my health condition in hopes that it would be enough to keep everything under control. April I found that I have 2 more fibroids, and more cysts, raising the risks of everything and I made the adult decision, that this was my chance. People may disagree, but I felt in my heart, and after all the dissapointing dr appts saying this isnt going to be easy, this might not happen, this is the road we are on... i decided lets go for it, lets start the fertility treatments.

3. The follistim injections I was told I needed to take are NOT covered under our insurance policy... road block! The perscription cost $1700.00 over the counter to BUY. UHHHM I dont have that kind of money to give on just a POSSIBILTY of ovulating... so I quit. 3 weeks later after the continuous bad news of my uterus, ovarys and hormones, I started to really feel like this was the end of the road... and then I got a call from one of the nurses saying they passed my name around in the offie and my condition and I was DONATED the injections!! Not the needles just one cycles worth of medicine that I could use to try this one time. SO I took it!! That saved me $1700!!! That was a sign that I needed to give this a shot, no pun intended, that this was my oppurtunity.

4. The finacial stability right now is good for supporting children. It might not be this stable once Ben comes home, but for now we would be able to fully prepare and take these 9 months and really stock on things we would need. This deployment fixed alot of finacial issues for us, and it would give us a chance to finally put some money in savings for the kids. My labor and delivery, would be fully covered under our insurance, going back to #1, a BIG DEAL! All of my prenatal meds, appointments, ultrasounds, and procedures are fully covered. We wont get this kind of insurance again because Ben will not be active duty again. Another sign that we needed to try!

Simple list right? Well it is really simple... insurance, my health, and donated medicine. Plus a few extra open oppurtunitys that said, do this, try this at least this time. I dont know that ill be able to do another cycle after this, which will make the negative result hurt that much more. I wonder if it would even be worth it no matter how badly I want this now... I didnt really put much thought to it in the begining, it all started with a trip to a gyno and the concentration was fixing everything inside. I wonder if once I find out im not pregnant, it will hurt but will I still have the drive to find a way to make another cycle work... even though another $2100 is stupid when we have grayson right now, and maybe God can suprise me in life with a new baby later on? Or what if I miscarry like that DO warn me about, they have to I guess.... which is different then my old gyno he was like everything OK!! Everything looks GOOD! But I guess he only delivers babies... I wont have my dr now once I make it past 12 weeks they dont delivery babies or anything. They do all they can to keep a pregnancy. But what if I do lose it before 12 weeks... then I wont have the strength to do it again for a long time... so many outcomes and such a long time to wait....

The stats: 11dpo 10dpiui...a really awful break out, increased cm it feel likes sometimes im peeing myself with no control! haha I do have particular cravings... i mean craving... Fountain dr pepper not one from a can just fountain dr pepper... now this could be from just the hcg shot, after all I might get pregnancy symptoms from that. No sore nipples or anything.BBTwas 98.3....good? I had some increased sense of smell monday and it drifted tuesday... which was weird because I didnt take my shot until monday NIGHT after work, and all day I could smell everything. Tuesday wasnt as bad. The "pull muscle" cramps when I cough, sneeze, or while im trying to sleep. I am taking all the drugs and doing everything the dr told me to do. Estrace, progesterone, HCG booter shots.  My sleep dr also dropped my sleep  medication so that before this pregnancy is in full swing I can wing off the ambien and not even take a tiny risk  of losing these babies. I took ambien my whole pregnancy last time, but i didnt have to go thru all this. * and I jussssssssssssst sneezed and this SHARP cramp across my uterus. So maybe I really really am pregnant!?!?!?!?