Sitting at a crossroad....

So im faced with the decision of trying this again another month. Finacially IUI's are not cheap, but IVF is much more expensive. My heart is telling me dont give up because even though this would be a life changing expierence, I really do want more children. Is it the right time? Is it responsible? Would it be good for Ben and I with the added stress of another baby? Is it finacially safe? How would this affect Grayson? How would I work? How would I afford daycare for 2 children? Will we be able to afford health insurance? Could I manage to love and equally play with 2 babies? I know it my heart I could make this all happen... I am a good mother, and I am smart. How do other families survive with children? Im sure I could do it. Am I 100% certain im at the point in my life where I am absolutely sure? No, sadly I dont think thats possible when contiplating expanding a family. The IUI's are costing us $1500 a month and if we are still floating above water there has to be a way we can survive.... but there that devil on my shoulder is saying once Ben is home from this deployment we dont have a guarenteed income. I dont think I could possibly do another deployment.... this one has been hard enough after 6 months. My dr thinks I should move on to the IVF route, but that cost over or around $15,000!!!!! So $1500 doesnt seem so bad when put into those terms. Ive been faced with the decision to keep going or to take some time off fertility treatments and wait till Ben returns home in 4 months. My brain says YES you should wait, save the money, save the heartache, and concentrate on other things...... but my heart is aching saying no you cant get up. I am not sure what inside of me is pulling me towards this road so hard. Is it my true enternal clock thats ticking so loudly? What makes this process so hard to walk away from... when really im not walking away? My dr's say its completely up to you, Ben says you make that choice baby you havent made the wrong choice yet, my parents lay everything out on the table with the pros and the cons.... and this has truely been up to me.... so what makes this so hard? The money concerns me... especially after FINALLY getting up on my feet. I finally have a full time job with a steady income and strict rutine. Could I really do this? Of course I can... right? I am very unsure... maybe its the emotion...maybe its that im really unsure at this point. I am not sure if our extended family would really support us having another child with how hard Grayson was on us in the begining. 2010 was a harrrrd year for us. My health issues come into play alot of the time also... Is it safe for me after ALL thats wrong and all thats happen. Our grandmother is concerned this isnt safe after seeing Grayson's birth and hearing about my uterin issues. She sharred with me over the weekend that she had fibroids in her uterus that caused her to bleed ALOT and she had a hysterectomy after 4 children around the age of 40. I had NO idea..... she is willing to help up out a bit this month but she voiced her concern about money and life. Which makes me feel that much more unsure of what to do. I called my mother 4 times to ask for her opinion... and I kept calling back saying ok I think ive made a choice to try again.... and then oh I dont know! I dont know what to do! Then back to ok yes im really do this.

So tomorrow I go back to the Dr for my baseline ultrasound and a new treatment plan. I keep telling myself I can back out whenever I want. I dont have to go thru with this... But I can keep going to the dr since we dont have to pay for cycle management...and seeing how much all this costs is a blessing right now. I can go in and see if I ovulate on my own, and call this cycle a bust again without spending a thousand dollars... or I could accept Grandmas help and do this again with a little boost finacially. I can ethier give this one more try and follow a new treatment plan to the T, or I could decide to wait... my God why is this such a hard decision!?