The unlikely life.... failed IUI #2.

This cycle was a DISASTER!!! Nothing went like it was supposed to! Nothing! Nothing is working right! Nothing is going right! I have been a complete mess today. I dont even know where to start really because I didnt get the chance to really write this cycle due to all the factors in my life right now, and not having the time at night after work to sit at my computer and vent. As the title reads IUI #2 is a fail. A HUGE fail. I tried so hard to stay hopeful thru this whole month, but I dont have the support to be emotional stable thru this. So around 9dpiui I had a major BBT drop... 98.1 to 97.4 and by that night I had began spotting so I knew this was over. BUT seeing that it was only 9 days past I thought there is still hope. (I was wrong obviously) I went to the dr with a menstrual cycle to get blood work. I had another consultation with my Dr who thought it was still too early, that everything looked good so far, I had plenty of follicles and my progesterone was an 8 and she was pretty optimistic that was a good thing and that if I wasnt pregnant we needed to look harder into this, that things just wouldn't match up. Well they did an entire hormone strip on me and today I got what I took as devastating news. Its over, this cycle is a bust, for unknown reasons. My progesterone is only a 3.1 and my estrogen below a 6 and they want to see it over a 25 if fertilization had taken place, my thyroid normal though (so thats good). I have been taken estrace an estrogen supplement and also progesterone suppositories that are supposed to support the progesterone in my system but talking to the nurse today she thinks maybe its time to up the dosage or be on possible indictable HORMONES not just ovulatory hormones. They are not sure why my body just completely rejected everything this time. It seems like this whole cycle was "try me". A giant experiment! What a waste of money.... So now they are suggesting we stop wasting our time and out of pocket money and move to IVF... after all the money in my situation is a HUGE factor. This is by no means a cheap process... we began doing this because we have health insurance this year only. But.... our insurance doesnt cover fertility drugs, only cycle management and we have to pay for IUI and IVF out of pocket. BUT ultrasounds, blood work, procedures are all paid for so all in all we are still somewhat winning. The ovulation drugs cost the most... this month alone we paid for over $1000 in bravelle, plus $400 for IUI. Follistim seems to be what I reacted to the best but Follistim is $1700 over the counter. If money was no object id be fine. So here we are 2 failed cycles and 6 months worth of bad news and bad tests and bad hormones and no luck getting ANYWHERE.

The dr offered to put my name on the list of an IVF study, but I have to meet the requirements which I believe are going to be impossible considering all the issues I have. If I get chosen to do an IVF study then they will pay up to 12,000 dollars worth of meds and procedures... meaning id only have to pay for $5000-$7000 and we can get financing. Outrageous right. This means more to me then it probably should, and I wish everyone around me could see how much this hurts me and how much this means to me. It affects me every day and although I am extremely blessed and lucky I have Grayson, I just cant shake this. I haven't been able to accept this since I gave birth to Grayson. Nobody understands.

They want me to do all these screenings now, and possibly another laproscopic surgery to check my fallopian tubes. They think they could be twisted again. Apparently my right tube was all kinds of twisted back in February and the right was blocked by adhesion's. I also have fibroids, PCOS, and now a huge hormonal imbalance. OHHH not to mention she told me I could have hostile cervical mucus due to the Montgomery stitch and all the cervical dysplasia. Ive had so many things done to my cervix over the years, and she thinks that I could have had a part of my cervix cut out that produces the good fluid to help sperm survive. Well that puts a huge wrench in this. Why me? Why do I have to go thru all this? I didnt ask for this! I didnt do anything to deserve this! I see all these women getting pregnant after a one night stand, with married men, who do drugs, who have beat their children, who have drank and smoke thru their whole pregnancy, who gave birth and dont even WANT to be around their children, who pass their kids from persn to person so they can go out and party or do whatever the fuck they want. But me??? I WANT, truly deeply WANT more children and I cant have that. I do good in my life. I do good things!! I dont use people, or destroy people, or steal from people! I dont CHEAT ON MY HUSBAND. Im not a whore! I dont cheat my way thru life. I do GOOD!!! I am a good mother!!! I do everything for my child. EVERYTHING. Why cant this be easier on me? Why does everyone just walk all over me like im shit. Why do people do things behind my back and say nasty things about me to family and friends? Why am I just shit on by everything and everyone? Nothing is making sense to me right now. NOTHING. I have NO control over ANYTHING in my life. None. And no that doesn't make me a control freak! It means I should have some right in my own life, and I dont. Things are still happening I DONT want to in every aspect of my life....with Grayson, with my health, with my job, with Bens deployment, with money, family, everything. I know there are things I wont agree with but how come I have no voice.


This hurts more then anyone can obviously see or understand. This is more then I can even comprehend myself. Im so sad this time. I thought this would be easier, but its not. I would say this is all emotions but I truly feel this way right now. Ive been feeling this way, but I try so damn hard to hold it together. I try so damn hard to be nice to everyone and not show my feelings because so many people say its wrong or irrational. Im hurting. Im hurting physically, mentally, and especially emotionally. I know tomorrow will be a better day. One day stronger, one day wiser, and one day closer to where I want to be. I cant stop crying today. I cant stop asking why. I cant stop looking at my life like this is beating me. I cant stop thinking about all these issues. I need Ben home. I need a better support system. I need better friends. I need to be stronger for me and Grayson. I appreciate everything I have, and I have alot to show for everything Ive worked to get. I just dont understand why I have to live this unlikely life. Why do I want the thing nature is telling me I cant have?


This journey has gotten so much harder then I ever imagined it being.


The stats: 11dpiui, hello period goodbye follies. No cm, no symptoms, just an emotional wreck. Bbt is the low 97's, progesterone below an ovulatory scale, estrogen back to step 1. I dont have a plan, I dont have a schedule, I dont know what happens next. I call on Sunday to speak to the nurse after she looks over some of my chart and previous procedures with my dr and I decide what happens with the money. I could keep going if money grew on trees. I feel like I cant give up, but I have no choice. *deep breath* I can survive this but its not that easy to dust under the rug.



:*(