The Pullen's Journey: So far in our journey in IUI #1

So I decided to blog about this experience, because I want to make the MOST of what im going thru. My husband being deployed has left me feeling alone in a way during this process, but most of all I want him to be able to feel like he's part of this thru our may of communication. We finally started cycle #1 with prometrium to induce a period finally, followed by a cyst aspiration of a 23mm cyst on the left ovary, with follistim injections and finally a novaril trigger! This past month has been a HUGE emotional roller coaster. I have not talked to my family much about this process, in fear of judgement and lack of support...I just dont feel like most people will understand why Ben and I choose to do this NOW. I've had to get surgeries to correct a uterine fibroid problem, which a month later I developed more. Ive been told the chances of conceiving were very low with the PCOS and uterine....cancer. Ive been in and out of the doctors office almost every morning for the past month for blood work, for procedures, for meds and monitoring. FINALLY I was given the go ahead to start my follistim injections! *yay!* Our insurance was not going to cover the cost of the injections ($1700!) but from the grace of God, I was donated one cycle worth of medicine. From that moment on, the realization that this process is so costly, and complicated, my mind was set I needed to try this whether is was the "smart" thing or not. I have been told by three different RE's that I will most likely end in hysterectomy because of all the issues I have been diagnosed with. Which further pushed me to the decision to get the IUI. After all, the froze for free for my husband being away, our insurance right now is at 100%, you absolutely cant beat that! Women dont get this opportunity often, infertility is a costly curse. Although my job is not supportive of this process, I have gone with my gut feelings and continued, calling in when needed to. I dont know the outcome of my career yet.... Ben and I decided a few days of missed work in exchange for the rest of our lives is worth it. I dont have much time due to medial issues, I dont have the money for another cycle, I dont get to do this again so HERE WE GO!

IUI: Friday, may 13th, I was supposed to get my very first trigger. Blood work came back, not ready, not now. I was pissed... I was 30mins late for work that morning, had to drive across town an hour to be told yet again, no. I was written up at work for being late and soon later that day received an email stating "There is no longer an excuss for appointments made on your scheduled days, its no longer tolerated and will be discussed if there are further issues........ect". I then went from pissed to guilty in a matter of an hour. I couldnt help when these appointments fall, I cant control when I ovulate or if I ovulate at all! I have no control with this process, yet......if I tell them what im doing, along with the rest of the world, its not supported. I become a liability to my job. Thats life, I get it. I finally broke it to my mother what exactly I had been doing, and what the reward is when im done.... She's been, like any mother should, supportive and even willing to help with my trigger. I have a feeling they have known for some time, waiting for me to drop the bomb. Saturday rolls around, no dr appt today because I am just simply not there yet. I am impatient, Im having my very first panic attack thinking of the good, bad, ugly, joyful outcomes. Sunday finally comes and its my time to do my trigger shot.... my mom was going to be the one who triggered me...but I only had about a 2 hour window to hit it and she was across town with the family....and this is no news but I have a.....uhm.... COLORFUL family. *cough cough* idiots. So that delayed her making it out. So in order for me to trigger I had to do it MYSELF........ I take a look at this HUGE needle, considering ive been using insulin needles to inject into my stomach, and my heart sinks. I cant do this to myself, how am i going to seriously do this to myself, I need my husband. I need the one and only person who wants this as much as me. I pace.... I talk to myself... I decide this is MY only chance, and Im going to do this. I also decided to record myself on webcam doing the injection to show Ben what I have to go thru! lol I also recorded to watch over and over "wow.... i really did it!?" BOOOYAH! I did manage to trigger myself in the thigh and here we goooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! My leg is really sore... at first I called my mom scared I did it wrong, it was hard to put any weight on it, so I thought omg I just messed up! They quickly assured me that the pain meant I DID it good! I had stabbed it into the skin, got about an inch down and the pain set it... in my head "ok, do it... no.... ooooooooo..... do it Robin! YOU are STRONG enough! (after first inch) ohh well that was ok amazing, that big needle didnt hurt when it went in!" after the next inch the muscle tightened and i just felt pain, you then have to pull back on the seringe to make sure you got the right spot... if you see blood you have to stab again... lol the anticipation to see if there was blood got me shaking. I could do this twice on one day! But yeah, I did it! Now my leg feels like it someone gave me metal knuckle sandwich!! Worth it though!

The Stats:

follistim injections CD 12-16, last ultrasound taken Sunday may 15th is showed I had 3 follicles mature enough to possibly ovulate. 20mm, 18mm, 16mm. I triggered sunday night and today (Monday) I did my first IUI!!!!! I had to do a blood test first thing to check my beta... progesterone, to see if i was finally ready. I cant even explain the anxiety I have. My beta #1, shows 3.8 and that its most sucessful around 5? Im not sure what that all means.... did I miss it? Is it to soon? Is it perfect timing? I pray, but i honestly have no clue. My husbands sperm was washed and they managed in one straw inject 24 million life sperm, with 80% mobility bumping my chances up to a 35%. Or so the stats say. The actual procedure was very smooth, They let you watch on the ultrasound, where they inject a small catheter and you can see it go thru the cervix and inject the "fluid". I was told I looked like I had very fertile CM and everything was left in the hands of God. I have no felt any cramping yet, I dont know when Ill feel symptoms, if any... I go to work tomorrow and life moves into the dreaded 2ww. I have never wanted something to happen so badly... I have mixed emotions of what i just did though. I cant help but think... how am I going to explain this!? Is it the right time? IS IT EVER?? What if it does happen, what if its multiples, what if it DOESNT happen?! I would die inside even with the mixed emotions. Why I feel this way.... I dont know.... Every time ive had to inject myself, alone, I wonder why did I do this now? I was driven here... I was put here for a reason. This has to happen... I will cross the other bridges when I get there. One day, after that first positive pregnancy test, once I make it past 12 weeks, ill explain. But right now, i feel vonerable to people talking because Ben and I did this behind closed door. Nobody knows what we've been thru, they see from the outside looking in : Ben is deployed in Afghanistan HOW DID YOU GET PREGNANT?! Oh you did IUI with frozen sperm?! WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?! Robin has only half a uterus, how did she manage this? Is it going to hurt them? Can they make it? Soooo many judgemental thoughts that I cant stand right now, so unless this happens for real, Ill leave the explaining to do later :)