The choice was made for me.

Here I thought choosing what I wanted to do with continuing with this process this month and the decision was made for me. I went to the dr this morning to get my baseline ultrasound to start a new month of treatment and found that I have HUGE cysts this time. I have set a new record for myself. I have a 6.8cm 68mm cyst on my right ovary along with a 14mm. I also have a 4.5cm, 3.7cm 22mm, and 11mm cyst on my left. Needless to say I am not allowed to continue for a month or more depending on what these cysts do. I have been put on a birth control for the month and possible cysts aspiration on the right ovary on July 27th. I will then have a period and possibly be able to do this again in a month. Im pissed off, hurt and upset. I cannot believe this keeps happening!! Ive already been here within the last 5 months... how come my body keeps forming these huge non functional cysts yet I cannot produce EGGS?! First I have issues forming any type of follicle and then I super form cysts not FOLLICLES! This is not fair. I just watched a women (casey anthony) get away with murder and although I have one child I cannot even produce other children, but a women gets away with killing her's. I have said this so many times but yes thank God I had Grayson... I cant imagine the pain some women feel having to go thru this for years without success of one child. I am grateful, but it doesnt make this journey any easier. I am just confused of why this is happening the way it is. My period was pretty light considering my period last month. I have not had to wear a tampon constantly... its not a full flow. They still took a pregnancy test today though, which I feel like is a waste of time, but its protocol for going on birth control I guess. After all the emotions this weekend.... had I just known before today I had cysts and I wouldnt be able to go on I would have felt so much better. Maybe not "better" but I wouldnt have had so many up and downs about yes or no's. I would have been better prepared then going in today with the full intention of doing this again.

Stats: CD 4 with huge cysts on both ovary's. Birth control (which Ill post the name next time) for 21 days with another ultrasound to see what growth is, if larger possible rupture of fallopian tube and ovary, or if pain or discomfort begins call the dr with cyst aspiration. If I have sudden heavy bleeding im instructed to call my dr right away. If I feel sudden abdominal pain im also supposed to call my dr right away. So far though... looks like im out for a month or more. Completely disappointing and frustrating.

Sitting at a crossroad....

So im faced with the decision of trying this again another month. Finacially IUI's are not cheap, but IVF is much more expensive. My heart is telling me dont give up because even though this would be a life changing expierence, I really do want more children. Is it the right time? Is it responsible? Would it be good for Ben and I with the added stress of another baby? Is it finacially safe? How would this affect Grayson? How would I work? How would I afford daycare for 2 children? Will we be able to afford health insurance? Could I manage to love and equally play with 2 babies? I know it my heart I could make this all happen... I am a good mother, and I am smart. How do other families survive with children? Im sure I could do it. Am I 100% certain im at the point in my life where I am absolutely sure? No, sadly I dont think thats possible when contiplating expanding a family. The IUI's are costing us $1500 a month and if we are still floating above water there has to be a way we can survive.... but there that devil on my shoulder is saying once Ben is home from this deployment we dont have a guarenteed income. I dont think I could possibly do another deployment.... this one has been hard enough after 6 months. My dr thinks I should move on to the IVF route, but that cost over or around $15,000!!!!! So $1500 doesnt seem so bad when put into those terms. Ive been faced with the decision to keep going or to take some time off fertility treatments and wait till Ben returns home in 4 months. My brain says YES you should wait, save the money, save the heartache, and concentrate on other things...... but my heart is aching saying no you cant get up. I am not sure what inside of me is pulling me towards this road so hard. Is it my true enternal clock thats ticking so loudly? What makes this process so hard to walk away from... when really im not walking away? My dr's say its completely up to you, Ben says you make that choice baby you havent made the wrong choice yet, my parents lay everything out on the table with the pros and the cons.... and this has truely been up to me.... so what makes this so hard? The money concerns me... especially after FINALLY getting up on my feet. I finally have a full time job with a steady income and strict rutine. Could I really do this? Of course I can... right? I am very unsure... maybe its the emotion...maybe its that im really unsure at this point. I am not sure if our extended family would really support us having another child with how hard Grayson was on us in the begining. 2010 was a harrrrd year for us. My health issues come into play alot of the time also... Is it safe for me after ALL thats wrong and all thats happen. Our grandmother is concerned this isnt safe after seeing Grayson's birth and hearing about my uterin issues. She sharred with me over the weekend that she had fibroids in her uterus that caused her to bleed ALOT and she had a hysterectomy after 4 children around the age of 40. I had NO idea..... she is willing to help up out a bit this month but she voiced her concern about money and life. Which makes me feel that much more unsure of what to do. I called my mother 4 times to ask for her opinion... and I kept calling back saying ok I think ive made a choice to try again.... and then oh I dont know! I dont know what to do! Then back to ok yes im really do this.

So tomorrow I go back to the Dr for my baseline ultrasound and a new treatment plan. I keep telling myself I can back out whenever I want. I dont have to go thru with this... But I can keep going to the dr since we dont have to pay for cycle management...and seeing how much all this costs is a blessing right now. I can go in and see if I ovulate on my own, and call this cycle a bust again without spending a thousand dollars... or I could accept Grandmas help and do this again with a little boost finacially. I can ethier give this one more try and follow a new treatment plan to the T, or I could decide to wait... my God why is this such a hard decision!?

The unlikely life.... failed IUI #2.

This cycle was a DISASTER!!! Nothing went like it was supposed to! Nothing! Nothing is working right! Nothing is going right! I have been a complete mess today. I dont even know where to start really because I didnt get the chance to really write this cycle due to all the factors in my life right now, and not having the time at night after work to sit at my computer and vent. As the title reads IUI #2 is a fail. A HUGE fail. I tried so hard to stay hopeful thru this whole month, but I dont have the support to be emotional stable thru this. So around 9dpiui I had a major BBT drop... 98.1 to 97.4 and by that night I had began spotting so I knew this was over. BUT seeing that it was only 9 days past I thought there is still hope. (I was wrong obviously) I went to the dr with a menstrual cycle to get blood work. I had another consultation with my Dr who thought it was still too early, that everything looked good so far, I had plenty of follicles and my progesterone was an 8 and she was pretty optimistic that was a good thing and that if I wasnt pregnant we needed to look harder into this, that things just wouldn't match up. Well they did an entire hormone strip on me and today I got what I took as devastating news. Its over, this cycle is a bust, for unknown reasons. My progesterone is only a 3.1 and my estrogen below a 6 and they want to see it over a 25 if fertilization had taken place, my thyroid normal though (so thats good). I have been taken estrace an estrogen supplement and also progesterone suppositories that are supposed to support the progesterone in my system but talking to the nurse today she thinks maybe its time to up the dosage or be on possible indictable HORMONES not just ovulatory hormones. They are not sure why my body just completely rejected everything this time. It seems like this whole cycle was "try me". A giant experiment! What a waste of money.... So now they are suggesting we stop wasting our time and out of pocket money and move to IVF... after all the money in my situation is a HUGE factor. This is by no means a cheap process... we began doing this because we have health insurance this year only. But.... our insurance doesnt cover fertility drugs, only cycle management and we have to pay for IUI and IVF out of pocket. BUT ultrasounds, blood work, procedures are all paid for so all in all we are still somewhat winning. The ovulation drugs cost the most... this month alone we paid for over $1000 in bravelle, plus $400 for IUI. Follistim seems to be what I reacted to the best but Follistim is $1700 over the counter. If money was no object id be fine. So here we are 2 failed cycles and 6 months worth of bad news and bad tests and bad hormones and no luck getting ANYWHERE.

The dr offered to put my name on the list of an IVF study, but I have to meet the requirements which I believe are going to be impossible considering all the issues I have. If I get chosen to do an IVF study then they will pay up to 12,000 dollars worth of meds and procedures... meaning id only have to pay for $5000-$7000 and we can get financing. Outrageous right. This means more to me then it probably should, and I wish everyone around me could see how much this hurts me and how much this means to me. It affects me every day and although I am extremely blessed and lucky I have Grayson, I just cant shake this. I haven't been able to accept this since I gave birth to Grayson. Nobody understands.

They want me to do all these screenings now, and possibly another laproscopic surgery to check my fallopian tubes. They think they could be twisted again. Apparently my right tube was all kinds of twisted back in February and the right was blocked by adhesion's. I also have fibroids, PCOS, and now a huge hormonal imbalance. OHHH not to mention she told me I could have hostile cervical mucus due to the Montgomery stitch and all the cervical dysplasia. Ive had so many things done to my cervix over the years, and she thinks that I could have had a part of my cervix cut out that produces the good fluid to help sperm survive. Well that puts a huge wrench in this. Why me? Why do I have to go thru all this? I didnt ask for this! I didnt do anything to deserve this! I see all these women getting pregnant after a one night stand, with married men, who do drugs, who have beat their children, who have drank and smoke thru their whole pregnancy, who gave birth and dont even WANT to be around their children, who pass their kids from persn to person so they can go out and party or do whatever the fuck they want. But me??? I WANT, truly deeply WANT more children and I cant have that. I do good in my life. I do good things!! I dont use people, or destroy people, or steal from people! I dont CHEAT ON MY HUSBAND. Im not a whore! I dont cheat my way thru life. I do GOOD!!! I am a good mother!!! I do everything for my child. EVERYTHING. Why cant this be easier on me? Why does everyone just walk all over me like im shit. Why do people do things behind my back and say nasty things about me to family and friends? Why am I just shit on by everything and everyone? Nothing is making sense to me right now. NOTHING. I have NO control over ANYTHING in my life. None. And no that doesn't make me a control freak! It means I should have some right in my own life, and I dont. Things are still happening I DONT want to in every aspect of my life....with Grayson, with my health, with my job, with Bens deployment, with money, family, everything. I know there are things I wont agree with but how come I have no voice.


This hurts more then anyone can obviously see or understand. This is more then I can even comprehend myself. Im so sad this time. I thought this would be easier, but its not. I would say this is all emotions but I truly feel this way right now. Ive been feeling this way, but I try so damn hard to hold it together. I try so damn hard to be nice to everyone and not show my feelings because so many people say its wrong or irrational. Im hurting. Im hurting physically, mentally, and especially emotionally. I know tomorrow will be a better day. One day stronger, one day wiser, and one day closer to where I want to be. I cant stop crying today. I cant stop asking why. I cant stop looking at my life like this is beating me. I cant stop thinking about all these issues. I need Ben home. I need a better support system. I need better friends. I need to be stronger for me and Grayson. I appreciate everything I have, and I have alot to show for everything Ive worked to get. I just dont understand why I have to live this unlikely life. Why do I want the thing nature is telling me I cant have?


This journey has gotten so much harder then I ever imagined it being.


The stats: 11dpiui, hello period goodbye follies. No cm, no symptoms, just an emotional wreck. Bbt is the low 97's, progesterone below an ovulatory scale, estrogen back to step 1. I dont have a plan, I dont have a schedule, I dont know what happens next. I call on Sunday to speak to the nurse after she looks over some of my chart and previous procedures with my dr and I decide what happens with the money. I could keep going if money grew on trees. I feel like I cant give up, but I have no choice. *deep breath* I can survive this but its not that easy to dust under the rug.



:*(

Here we are again.

Today is 10dpiui and I started a period already. First off I want to state some facts: I started a period becasue I took $1000 worth of ovulatory drugs to INDUCE ovulation to INDUCE a period. Had I not paid all this money this month to induce ovulation I can almost fully guarentee I would not be on a period. . I was NOT having periods before I started injections, half the reason I have been in and out of the dr since I turned 13 years old! Nobody understands the emotional toll this has taken on me since January, sadly not even Ben and hes been here the most. This has been a huge part of my life the last few months, yet im NOT entitled to have emotions, not with family in town. They come first. Im supposed to set aside my dissapointment and my hurt and fake a smile for others. When I want to talk about the process nobody wants to listen. Im supposed to hide this entire journey from everyone around me because of judgement. Im sick of that. Im sick of working damn hard for everything to constantly be JUDEGED!!!! Im sorry I work, I take care of my child (unlike 90% of other girls around me) I pay my bills, I have a roof over my head, I buy my own groceries, I buy things to take care of my family, I even freakin help everyone around me and yet IM the one whos judged. Why are women not allowed to have more then 1 child PLANNED?! So what I want MORE CHILDREN? Why cant anyone be supportive or mindful of me or my feelings??? This blog was made so I can vent about this process of IVF and the emotional journey it is. This is my SECOND failed IUI and YES IT ABSOLUTELY HURTS!!!!!!! So instead of having someone to talk to about this I have to secretly hurt or talk about everyone elses issues like faked suicide calls.

Im itching to test...ugh!

So I lasted about a week before I got that itch to test.... I know I shouldnt but I think I just might....

Stresses

Today is almost 6 dpiui and 7 dpo! Moving along I suppose... but all this stress in my life is making this process hard for me to get thru. I am tired of babysitting adults, I need to take care of MYSELF not everyone else. I swear I think if this doesn't happen for me this time I only have one person to blame. My brother. I shouldn't be having to deal with his wild issues. I am younger then him, yet...... I have to take care of him. Its seriously stressing me out! I have cramps still today, still this crazy bloating stuff. My cramps are still bad enough to be verrrry noticeable. I do have the cramps more so on the left side today though...hmm.... I looked for my cervix again, and I think its higher then last time, and tilted towards the back. My CM is still not that bad as last month, just the usual around this time...nothing out of the norm. This will be a short post because Grayson and I are webcaming but I did want to note that im still having pretty bad cramps, bloating, and maybe gas? Maybe im not sure? Its gas pains I guess without the gassyness lol.

O.M.G Did I have this last time?

Today is Thursday making this 4 days post iui, and 5 days post ovulation. I have had constant achy cramps in my uterus, not my ovary's, since MONDAY! I have actually had the last two days off work and spent them tyring my best to lay down as much as possible. I feel bad but I took my son to daycare half days (9-2) both days this week for the first time. :( But Tuesday it felt like I had ruptured a cyst, but now im not sure if thats what it was. I napped for about 3 hours on wed which I NEVER DO... so part of me feels like that was good for me to FINALLY get to do, although I felt guilty as hell. I cramped ALL day yesterday, and part of me kept looking back saying oh it only lasted one day last time so ill wake up and it will be over and then what? Today I took Grayson to daycare again, because I did not sleep at all last night due to some family drama. Everyone thought I was the drama queen! LOL I think this one has me beat ;) anyways... I didnt sleep but a few hours off and on, and because I dont want my son around fighting or arguing I decided to take him to daycare today. I was able to sleep a few hours today, and when I got up my uterus still hurts. I have googled these symptoms looking for ANYTHING "Uterus feels like its ripping" "ripping uterus after IUI" "Uterus cramps after IUI" "Uterine cramping horribly" and I didnt really find anything helpful. I called my dr today to let them know I was really hurting, and that I didnt think these were cramps. My RE said that it sounded like muscle separation from the uterus and the stomach walls... which could be from bloating or implantation, but its wayyy to really to know anything about being pregnant and that she advised me to lay down as much as possible and take some Tylenol and ibuprofen for swelling. Ive been doing all that and I still feel like I cant bare down in that area because it hurts so bad! I know I am sensitive to pain but in all honestly I just bitch alot, but this is something that I feel has been constant and pretty awful.

Stats: 4dpiui, 5 dpo CRAMMMMMMMMMMMPS!!!!!!! Bad bad bad bloating/cramps/ripping sensation in uterus, not tubes, not ovary's, centralized pain in UTERUS! UGHH.... my bbt was only 97.7 this morning which is NOT good.... but I didnt sleep a full night so im gonna say thats a bust. I looked for my cervix finally and its sorta high this time, I had to at least try and find it, it was tilted back and felt a bit soft and open. I know I shouldn't look into that ethier... all I know is low=period. Its a known fact so either way if it stays low, or moves to a lower position that i should be starting my period. Last month it was pretty much low the entire time, open and soft... so hello. CM is nothing really actually.... I havent started my progesterone... I know shame on me but that made me have alll sorts of nasty discharge and I know I should take them but part of me is like why? It doesnt actually do anything.... idk ok ok ill do it tonight. Maybe that will help the cramping? I am still irritable, but honestly, and really honestly I think im irritated with things at home.... with people that are in town... it wasnt so bad until the fighting non stop started.... and that they dont know when they are leaving..... mannnnnn they cant stay here so my parents will be helping me with that. So thats really it.

*I thought I would note that I have been eating slushies again like I was OBSESSED with when I was pregnant with Grayson <3 Could be that im really dehydrated, but yummmy... I think ill make another one now :) Maybe these cramps are implantation, I would hope so, then it would be worth it. Maybe things are happening... I could only hope. This is the only thing that keeps me sane... HOPE..... its all I got right now, especially with my husband away. Dealing with things alone is HARD, if it wasnt for my Mother and tricia I might be really depressed.... but Ben is my best friend and I really do need him home now. He could have helped me with this family stuff, at least been my backbone to stick up to my brother and say HEY SHUSHHHHH!!! No more fighting or your out! But alone I feel like he'd do something to hurt me out of anger... I know how he is...I do believe we are almost in double digits till Ben comes home..... why does this get harder the longer hes away and not easier?  I guess my emotions are really showing the last two posts LOL