Changes? What Changes?

3 days post IUI... any changes? Not yet... I blame my headache on the weather... it was cloudy tonight, looked like it rained SOMEWHERE just not here, when there is a front I usually get a headache from the pressure change. Grayson, our 19 month old, has been sleeping in bed with me the past few days and this morning he decided to share my pillow when he woke up at 6am. I could feel him plop on my pillow and I could feel him breathing on my face, so I opened my eyes and all I see are 2 big eyes starring at me! Its still pretty dark at 6am so his eyes were wide open...I decided since it was still dark i'd just turn over in hopes he'd just take over my pillow and sleep another hour. It was quiet for awhile so I began to drift off, and i feel this little hand slap my head...i lay still... then I feel another slap on my shoulder so I finally turned over and looked at him which made him laugh. So 6am Grayson was up and ready to talk. I felt more exhausted this morning then usual...it could be from finally NOT having to wake up at 5am to go to dr appts or work, or that the last few weeks have just been DRAINING! Grayson did snuggle for about 45 mins, watched some Winnie the pooh on my phone before taking his own diaper off...my cue to get up before he peed the bed. So tonight I got my payback when he fell asleep with me on the couch lol.

I also caved and took my first pregnancy test, now before you judge, I know and am fully aware I took an HCG shot so I knew in the back of my head it was to soon... it takes a few days to get out of your system, so to no surprise it came back positive before I stopped peeing. I am glad I dont have more tests laying around the house or they would haunt me. I also understand the reason they do a blood test next week is to only test progesterone because that is the one hormone that you need to KEEP a pregnancy. I went over some of my hormone strips from the past few months, and all of which have shown ive had NO progesterone in my blood stream... part of me thinks "why do I have periods then???"... so i did some research and found that even without OVULATING, you still can have periods because of estrogen overload, which ive had plenty of. So the lining will still shed causing a menses. Crazy stuff, thats part of my infertility struggle.

The stats:

4dpo, 3dpiui: Tiny cramps, I usually dont cramp so cramps are noticeable off and on not constant. I was tired this morning and when I wake up im usually up but it was a little harder considering it was 6am. CM is different... position was somewhat high, soft, open white lotion. Thats the basics. Headache, and had only 2 moments where I wanted to cry looking at fathers day cards and when Grayson was copying my dancing in the car. OH and eating ranch made me feel somewhat sick, like I had ranch overload. Im actually "ewwing" in my head right now. Im still happy but having mixed feelings about this whole process at the same time.

One more day down

So I am now one day past IUI, and this morning I felt fine. I even had a moment of "where are the cramps?".... around noon the bloating kicked in. I have had moments of obsessing over the 2ww, looking up symptoms, writing down how I felt and when I felt it. Of course... I started looking up how long implantation's starts, and when fertilization happens and Ive decided no matter how I feel today- IT DOESNT MATTER! It takes 5-10 days (big gap for the 2ww) for fertilization to happen so I have a week to feel nothing....right? Tonight around 5 I had one sharp pain thru the left ovary, and throughout the day ive had cramps centralized in the... uterus I guess. I have a fullness in my stomach but thats the bloating. I read that bloating happens either way with ovulation and IUI so its nothing promising. Emotionally I feel great. Prometrium and birth control made me crazy emotional, so considering the other injections and hormone treatment ive been on, im actually really happy. I have over a week of waiting before I even remotely have a sign... I have a beta test next Thursday and that will be my first hint to whether or not this was successful. I have read so many things with success rates that part of me is very confident, the other part of me knows what my statistics show, and the reality of infertility. I have also looked at the Chinese gender predictor calenders, for fun, and I gotta say- ERRRRRRRRR WRONG! I conceived my son in January of 2009, at the age of 20, with all that said I was supposed to have a girl! So, if I did in fact conceive May 2011, at the age of 23, im supposed to have a BOY, so it will be a girl right!? lol

All and all, Ben seems very excited that we even went thru with the IUI process and has told me he will contribute to this blog once he has Internet.....which might not be ever. I think it would be a wonderful "journal" to have of this journey and it would be a good reminder how him and I both wanted this. This little bean just has to stick or this blog will be come more of an emotional roller coaster. Overall, so far so good, work did not say anything to me today so I think i might have slipped by without notice. HOPEFULLY, and now that the hard part is out of the way for awhile, things will smooth out and the planning can really begin!

The Stats:
3 dpo I believe, 2 day iui - Bloating, cramps, a few twinges, and fullness in tummy most likely from bloating... which ive never really experienced... just fat days LOL not ever the weirdness of being full of.... air? Lower back pain... not sure if thats something or if its from sleeping wrong... or picking up Grayson the wrong way? ALso.... its like a sore throat but more in my neck, like sore glands. No change in cm at the moment, or emotions. Happy and a sore leg!

So far in our journey in IUI #1

So I decided to blog about this experience, because I want to make the MOST of what im going thru. My husband being deployed has left me feeling alone in a way during this process, but most of all I want him to be able to feel like he's part of this thru our may of communication. We finally started cycle #1 with prometrium to induce a period finally, followed by a cyst aspiration of a 23mm cyst on the left ovary, with follistim injections and finally a novaril trigger! This past month has been a HUGE emotional roller coaster. I have not talked to my family much about this process, in fear of judgement and lack of support...I just dont feel like most people will understand why Ben and I choose to do this NOW. I've had to get surgeries to correct a uterine fibroid problem, which a month later I developed more. Ive been told the chances of conceiving were very low with the PCOS and uterine....cancer. Ive been in and out of the doctors office almost every morning for the past month for blood work, for procedures, for meds and monitoring. FINALLY I was given the go ahead to start my follistim injections! *yay!* Our insurance was not going to cover the cost of the injections ($1700!) but from the grace of God, I was donated one cycle worth of medicine. From that moment on, the realization that this process is so costly, and complicated, my mind was set I needed to try this whether is was the "smart" thing or not. I have been told by three different RE's that I will most likely end in hysterectomy because of all the issues I have been diagnosed with. Which further pushed me to the decision to get the IUI. After all, the froze for free for my husband being away, our insurance right now is at 100%, you absolutely cant beat that! Women dont get this opportunity often, infertility is a costly curse. Although my job is not supportive of this process, I have gone with my gut feelings and continued, calling in when needed to. I dont know the outcome of my career yet.... Ben and I decided a few days of missed work in exchange for the rest of our lives is worth it. I dont have much time due to medial issues, I dont have the money for another cycle, I dont get to do this again so HERE WE GO!

IUI: Friday, may 13th, I was supposed to get my very first trigger. Blood work came back, not ready, not now. I was pissed... I was 30mins late for work that morning, had to drive across town an hour to be told yet again, no. I was written up at work for being late and soon later that day received an email stating "There is no longer an excuss for appointments made on your scheduled days, its no longer tolerated and will be discussed if there are further issues........ect". I then went from pissed to guilty in a matter of an hour. I couldnt help when these appointments fall, I cant control when I ovulate or if I ovulate at all! I have no control with this process, yet......if I tell them what im doing, along with the rest of the world, its not supported. I become a liability to my job. Thats life, I get it. I finally broke it to my mother what exactly I had been doing, and what the reward is when im done.... She's been, like any mother should, supportive and even willing to help with my trigger. I have a feeling they have known for some time, waiting for me to drop the bomb. Saturday rolls around, no dr appt today because I am just simply not there yet. I am impatient, Im having my very first panic attack thinking of the good, bad, ugly, joyful outcomes. Sunday finally comes and its my time to do my trigger shot.... my mom was going to be the one who triggered me...but I only had about a 2 hour window to hit it and she was across town with the family....and this is no news but I have a.....uhm.... COLORFUL family. *cough cough* idiots. So that delayed her making it out. So in order for me to trigger I had to do it MYSELF........ I take a look at this HUGE needle, considering ive been using insulin needles to inject into my stomach, and my heart sinks. I cant do this to myself, how am i going to seriously do this to myself, I need my husband. I need the one and only person who wants this as much as me. I pace.... I talk to myself... I decide this is MY only chance, and Im going to do this. I also decided to record myself on webcam doing the injection to show Ben what I have to go thru! lol I also recorded to watch over and over "wow.... i really did it!?" BOOOYAH!  I did manage to trigger myself in the thigh and here we goooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! My leg is really sore... at first I called my mom scared I did it wrong, it was hard to put any weight on it, so I thought omg I just messed up! They quickly assured me that the pain meant I DID it good! I had stabbed it into the skin, got about an inch down and the pain set it... in my head "ok, do it... no.... ooooooooo..... do it Robin! YOU are STRONG enough! (after first inch) ohh well that was ok amazing, that big needle didnt hurt when it went in!" after the next inch the muscle tightened and i just felt pain, you then have to pull back on the seringe to make sure you got the right spot... if you see blood you have to stab again... lol the anticipation to see if there was blood got me shaking. I could do this twice on one day! But yeah, I did it! Now my leg feels like it someone gave me metal knuckle sandwich!! Worth it though!

The Stats:

follistim injections CD 12-16, last ultrasound taken Sunday may 15th is showed I had 3 follicles mature enough to possibly ovulate. 20mm, 18mm, 16mm. I triggered sunday night and today (Monday) I did my first IUI!!!!! I had to do a blood test first thing to check my beta... progesterone, to see if i was finally ready. I cant even explain the anxiety I have. My beta #1, shows 3.8 and that its most sucessful around 5? Im not sure what that all means.... did I miss it? Is it to soon? Is it perfect timing? I pray, but i honestly have no clue. My husbands sperm was washed and they managed in one straw inject 24 million life sperm, with 80% mobility bumping my chances up to a 35%. Or so the stats say. The actual procedure was very smooth, They let you watch on the ultrasound, where they inject a small catheter and you can see it go thru the cervix and inject the "fluid". I was told I looked like I had very fertile CM and everything was left in the hands of God. I have no felt any cramping yet, I dont know when Ill feel symptoms, if any... I go to work tomorrow and life moves into the dreaded 2ww. I have never wanted something to happen so badly... I have mixed emotions of what i just did though. I cant help but think... how am I going to explain this!? Is it the right time? IS IT EVER?? What if it does happen, what if its multiples, what if it DOESNT happen?! I would die inside even with the mixed emotions. Why I feel this way.... I dont know.... Every time ive had to inject myself, alone, I wonder why did I do this now? I was driven here... I was put here for a reason. This has to happen... I will cross the other bridges when I get there. One day, after that first positive pregnancy test, once I make it past 12 weeks, ill explain. But right now, i feel vonerable to people talking because Ben and I did this behind closed door. Nobody knows what we've been thru, they see from the outside looking in : Ben is deployed in Afghanistan HOW DID YOU GET PREGNANT?! Oh you did IUI with frozen sperm?! WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?! Robin has only half a uterus, how did she manage this? Is it going to hurt them? Can they make it? Soooo many judgemental thoughts that I cant stand right now, so unless this happens for real, Ill leave the explaining to do later :)

so day of IUI, so far so good, im keeping the faith that things happen for a reason.

Lets Start At The Beginning

Here's to the first post of our new Journey. I might as well start with the basics. My husband Ben is a deployed marine and I am a holter technician, mother of one. Ben & I met at work and from the beginning we clicked. I, however, did not develop romantic feelings until later on. Hes always been an amazing person to talk to, and when he was first deployed to Iraq in 2007 is where it all became real. Ive always loved Ben, but as communication became our only way to "be together" my love for him grew much stronger. Communication is key in any relationship, and sometimes we get so caught up in the fast pace of life, we sometimes forget how to communicate. When Ben returned home after that deployment we decided to move into together and I truly fell deeply in love with him. We took a vacation down to Costa Rica where he proposed in a memorable way, and to make a long story short, we got married in May. Today is our second wedding anniversary, although the number two seems so little, so much has happened to us. We bought our first home in October of 08', we quickly started thinking of a family, a life, our future. I became surprisingly pregnant in 2009 and it changed our relationship forever. We did conceive the "ol' natural way" with of course a story to tell. I have always, since I can remember, had reproductive complications. I never could get the birth control right, I never had menstrual cycles, I've had surgery multiple times from endometriosis to cancerous cells on the cervix, I've had a unicornate uterus, twisted fallopian tubes, rare ovulation, poly cystic ovaries, incontinent cervix, and so on. My first pregnancy was no rainbow and butterflies like I had always dreamed it to be... I found myself hospitalized so many times  in prelabor, high blood pressure, and preclamsia. I did however deliver naturally a healthy baby boy, although I was in labor for 31 hours with plenty of complications, everything turned out just fine! We named him Grayson, and he has been the light of my life since the minute I knew I was pregnant. My love for him is stronger then any imaginable force I can think of. We found out Ben was deploying again and started discussing our future plans for our family. The road has been bumpy from the beginning, we've been so broke that we've sold everything in our house to make a mortgage payment, taken out loans to pay debt, we've fought, cried, left the room slamming a door, but we are still together emotionally going strong. We love Grayson, hes brought so much joy and happiness in hard times, so we talked about having a second. While he is deployed our financial situation becomes much greener, we have health insurance which is also a huge deal, but the sad realization of my health became a road block. We tried for months trying to conceive a second child naturally... I am talking OPK's, tracking periods, tracking non existent periods, basal temperatures and ect. All the while, because the road has been so bumpy, we decided as a couple we were going to keep our future aspirations to a dull roar. We decided not to discuss these issues with family, this was OUR decision and OUR journey. I started seeing a fertility specialist after a miscarriage in 2010 and that is where our newest journey has began.

I started the process with high hopes, that this would be so easy, take a few ovulatory pills, have some timed sex.... and bam have a baby! Not so likely. My doctor started running all kinds of tests, from cancer screenings, to hormone testing, HSG, Hysteroscopys, Leeps, Laproscopy, and endiometrical biopsies. I have been thru it ALL! For those who know infertility the answer is already clear... I have problems. Tests started flowing in with every bad news imaginable, even the word cancer has been thrown around many times. I started falling into denial that I had any issues, I kept holding off thinking this couldn't happen to me, im young and healthy.... so the Journey begins. I started having procedures done, cyst aspirations, injections, ultrasounds, negative results, the highs the lows.... and finally it was time for Ben to deploy..... this couldn't possibly be the end for over a year! So we decided I would continue with this emotional roller coaster while he fights this war to provide for our family. Deployed members are offered free cyro sperm freezing at our clinic, so we jumped on it before he left. I think it was a mature, amazing idea and decision for us to do that. So, I have decided to continue fertility treatments for my health and for the sake of a baby. So far we are in 6 months without even a cycle until now.