IUI #2!!!

Today I went and got my IUI. I would say the process this time was much quicker because it was a Sunday and only 5 people were there today. My progesterone showed 8.2 today, which is DOUBLE what it was last time. I feel partially like we missed it. Last time I was told my 4.something was PERFECT, that it was perfect timing but this time we are a little late. I am trying to stay positive its just hard when I want things to be as perfect as possible. Today we had 18 mil with 80% mortality with a class A. Which means they are ALL swimming in the same direction, so hopefully they are strong enough to get there in time. This cycle was a longer cycle, but as promised im hoping to not obsess this time and to take this day by day. I had to do the trigger again to myself and it seemed like I couldn't get the 'x' marks the spot, on the right spot....so I went in between and for awhile it seemed like the needle wasnt going to go in. I am not limping around because my entire left leg is sore. This makes 3 times having to stab myself, and soon it'll be four times. I cant believe how much I have to do for a baby.... which I am only doing for ME and BEN nobody else. We want this for us.


The stats: 1 dpo, day 1 of IUI #2. 18mil, 80% mortality, 8.2 progesterone. I think I had one 18mm follicle on friday so possibly a 20 today. Bravelle 225 and 150 iu. Trigger last night, and IUI at 930am. I only have cramps today, and one shooting cramp last night around 7pm which went from the left side to the right side of my uterus. I have a bit more cramps on my left side then right side which is about what it always is. Please God let this be our time!!!!!!!



We are almost there...

So much has happen in this cycle that I never expected.. I was fully aware of last time I was given a DONATED drug, which looking back made that cycle so much easier! I was put on Bravelle 150iu this cycle plus letrozole 75mg CD 3-7. First ultrasound on CD11 NOTHING. So we bumped bravelle to 225iu... 2nd ultrasound 1 follie measuring 5mm. So keep on going... except, I’m out of meds. 1 pack of bravelle comes with 5 vials of 75mg... 225 is three vials... so now I’m on a mission to find cheap bravelle. I was given what they call the H.E.A.R.T. card which for cash paying patients sells bravelle at only 56 dollars a vial. My insurance does not cover these drugs at all, so I am a cash paying patient now. Three different pharmacies’s had bravelle for over $1000! Walgreens was asking $1175 for 9 vials! Everywhere I went didn’t accept the heart card, so I lose hope. I cried on my way home thinking, god I just wasted 504 dollars on one pack of bravelle, another box was a sample and now I have to buy 9 more vials to complete my cycle. I am at a crossroad... Do I spend another $500- $1000 on meds that I MIGHT get pregnant with or do I accept my fate and call this cycle a bust? After much thought I figured I would try one more time to see if anyone accepted the heart card. One pharmacy, a Walgreens actually, was located in Houston (yay!) there are only 2 places that accept this card...here and el Paso Texas. So I take it as a sign and I go spend $526 on bravelle to finish this cycle.

Today I went in for yet another ultrasound and my E2, which 3 days ago was only a 42.... which is so bad for CD15. Anyways today showed 8 smaller follies... none of which really measuring out, but as we all know too many follies calls for a canceled cycle because they do not promote multiples. I have one good dominant follicle meaning at or around 14-15mm. They say a mature follicle is 18mm (one that usually has an egg) but you never know if they really do have an egg in there. Last month I had 3 very nice follies none of which took. My RE called me this afternoon saying my estrogen was in the 600's!!! WOAH... So no dry apt tomorrow, but possibly to trigger tomorrow night and depending on my blood results on Sunday (2 days from now) I could be doing my 2nd IUI, my final IUI for the summer. This cycle was so expensive, and we aren’t even finished yet. I still have to pay out of pocket for the procedure, that I’ve learned we don’t even get a refund if it doesn’t take. All in the name of a baby is what I tell myself. This is supposed to be totally worth it, and in my case, it is! I went down one road head on, whether I get pregnant or not, I decided to go thru with the rest of this cycle is hopes this will be my time. Total this cycle cost me about $1500... GEEZUS!


*Something I do want to note in this cycle though... The way bravelle is set up is 75iu per vial, but you have to mix 1cc of sodium to mix the powder to inject. I was under the impression and after some research I had to mix 3 different vials with 1cc each, meaning 3 different needles pokes in the stomach. Which I had been doing... 3 sticks a night! My tummy looks like a pin needle cushion. I have bruises and rashes from the sodium. I then find out I only need to mix 1 cc into one powder, take that mixture and inject it in another vial, then again on the 3rd vial. Take that 1cc of mixture plus 225iu of bravelle and inject ONCE. I finally get the news I was doing it wrong, sorta, after 5 days of this! So I am wondering if because the meds were so diluted I was responding slower. I also noticed after I stopped mixing separately my skin has broken out way more; its way more concentrated now, and BURNS when I inject. But.... it’s worth it right? I’ve had to do it so many times, that I tell myself when it starts to burn that this is the last time, one more time, and then I’m doing it again the next night.

I just hope to God this is it for Ben and I. I can’t afford to do this another month, as much as I really want a baby, to have a bigger family, to have more little Grayson’s... It’s just sooo expensive and sooner or later I have to start focusing my life on other things until Ben gets home. If this doesn’t happen this month, it’s a huge loss, and it will hurt... but right now I don’t think it will hurt as much as last month...because I was so sure. This time, no tests. This time, no obbsessing. This time, no stressing over it. This time it’s either a win or a loss. I am glad I kept going though; I still have hope for a good outcome.

Another thing I wanted to document, for me personally, that I even cheated this month and it still didn’t help. I was supposed to start my bravelle on CD15 but I did my first injection on CD14, and even with me cheating it didn’t give me a quicker result, I only did a 75 that day not the 150, and 150 wasn’t doing anything so it didn’t matter. 225 Has helped a bit but only time will tell. I have my fingers crossed though, that this is it.... I pray that it is!

Update

Well it's been awhile since I updated really. The more and more we get more bad news the less hopeful I feel with this process so I just havent wanted to write. I was unable to get any donated meds this cycle, just 1 samble box with 1 days worth of meds (to get me started). So I was like ok we are going to do this one more time, and I bought the remaining meds to hope it could get me thru. That cost me $504 dollars.... ughhh but it was the cheapest I could find, its actually just the cheapest brand. If I could have it my way.... you pay what you get for... I would just buy the follistim because we know I respond well to that medication... but I cant afford $1700... 500 is already killing me.

So I went in for my first ulatrasound after taking 150iu of Bravelle on CD11 and we had NOTHING... one tiny little follice that was not even worth measuring. My estrogen levels were only at 42.6 which is very low so they told me to bump up my meds to 225.... uh oh.... I only have 1 vile left. I asked around if any office had samples and I managed to get 5 more vials of Bravelle. So I had my fingers crossed would be enough to finish this cycle. Maybe 225 was a better mix for me and I would finally start really responding to. 

Today I went in for another ultrasound after doing 3 days with 225iu Bravelle and I only have 1 follicle measuring about 10mm... still not good news. I have a ton of follies total, just small ones they dont even measure. So they never told me what my estrogen was but they did say I would need 9 more vials of meds to finish out this cycle with any hope.... so Im at a crossroads... do I pay another 500 bucks for something I might not responding to at all? What happens if this does work but I dont end up pregnant, then ill have wasted 1000 dollars on meds in one month and 400 on the iui itself. So After some talks with the family, I decided I needed to do this one last time for now and risk it all at a chance. If this doesnt work Ben and I have agreed we need to focus on other stuff and once he comes home we can try and squeeze a cycle in while hes still on insurance, which will be about 3 months.

This is becoming a heartbreaking journey and Im not sure anymore if its worth it.

My heart hurts today....

So the doctors assume you want to keep going after a failed IUI or IVF, which is their job because I was so unsure.... so they throw you a new treatment plan and fill a new prescription and then you hit a huge bump in the road. I went to the dr on Sunday to get my 1st cycle ultrasound to see where we are at. I had an ovary full of cysts on the right... but small ones (pcos) and a collapsing cyst on the left, which has caused some discomfort. The ultrasound was pretty uncomfortable and they said usually when your on your period it hurts a bit to poke around down there... I never knew that? The lining looked good, she did not mention a fibroid this time around, she did measure around on the lining but she didnt seemed to concerned that it would cause problems. They did not take blood this time and im also not sure why...I dont think I have actually had an appointment without having my blood taken. Which is a reason the people at work started talking... they would see bruises on my arms and over heard I was in "treatment" and overheard me talking to walgreens about needles for my injections...lol even adults (GROWN ADULTS) make shit up to gossip. SO I met with my boss (linda) who I discussed my situation with, not to its full extent but enough to where she understood what and why I am doing what I am doing as far as treating my health issues and ultimately trying to conceive before needing surgery for whatever reason. She made me feel ok about if I needed to have a day that I could call in as long as I had those dr notes. So the people at work are a little more like "ohhhh I feel like an idiot for fabricating a story to make it sound good". People at work arent the only ones who do that, and its retarded. But anyways... so far my stats to continue this cycle are: 75mg of letrozole, 150 gonal f, novarel, estrogen and progesterone. But today there is a catch... I cant afford it.

One of the BIGGEST reasons I choose to try last month was because I was given a donated medicine that would normally cost me $1700.... and it hurts my heart that it didnt work. Walgreens called me today and said Tricare does NOT cover fertility drugs. They gave me Gonal F this time thinking it was going to be covered by tricare or at least cheaper. They called today and told me my prescription would cost $700.09 for JUST the gonal. I am now beyond discouraged. I dont have that much money to spend on something that obviously only MIGHT happen... not guaranteed...so another $400 for the IUI plus $800+ for the meds. I think I have looked into just about all my options and its just not looking good right now. Im frustrated... im hurt... and the failed IUI hurts even more today when it looks like that could have been my only chance at IUI. Part of me still has hope that SOMETHING will happen... someone will donate again, right? Maybe ill find a thousand dollars on my front porch. I wish the doctor's office could just lie to tricare or something... bend the truth... just simply say im doing HRT. I wish there was SOMETHING I could do.... but today as it stands its not going to happen. Maybe its time to put it out of sight out of mind....

Today marks the worst period ever!

I had a feeling today, after the mess when I got out of bed this morning, that this period was going to be bad. I put on basically 3 layers of underwear to only bleed thru them so badly at work I had to sneak away to clock out... im sure walking sideways looked funny to people but its better they ask why are you walking like that instead of OMG ewwww!! This will be a short post because nobody really wants to hear about my period looking like a murder scene... but today marks the worst period ever. I am almost convinced that this is a miscarriage because this is like no other period, its not even quiet like a previous miscarriage I had, I had alot of cramps with that one, this one hurts in my back and is messy as f**k! Its black, abundent, and clotty. Hopefully it will go away faster because its so heavy. Well update: The dr called me back this morning, after I called in my period, and I have an appt at 645am so I can make it to work on time...Its amazing these nurses wake up that early to make sure I can continue my cycle. So they will be able to give me an ultrasound in the morning to see where im sitting as far as my overys go. Then ill have a better idea where we go from here. Hurry up and wait....

IUI #1 = Fail

Officially today marked #1 IUI = FAILED. I started my period today, well the process of starting anyways. I am a little concerned that Ive had  *TMI ALERT* some green discharge... that to me marks an infection... I would think which might explain why my lower back was hurting. *light bulb* I was really upset yesterday when I got the news that I was not pregnant because I had felt SO sure... I spent the night crying like I thought I would, had a few sad moments today, and then the realization it had truly failed once I started my period. But I cant be sad forever because there is nothing that could change this. It hurts, but its time to move on and depending how this goes I might concentrate on other medical issues like the fibroids this time, or my wisdom teeth, or something and take a month off. I started today meaning I have 3 days to get my first ultrasound... I work tomorrow (1) Saturday (2) and sunday I am off so if they can pull some string for JUST me (doubtful) then I could get my ultrasound done on Sunday and we can move foward with another cycle and more meds. BUT if I cannot be seen sunday I am not sure if Ill be able to start a new cycle right now, because I work monday (4) and tuesday (5) so I would be on day 6 of my cycle which would be to late to start the first meds, so they might wait till I just start another period and hope that we fall on the right days next time... and in the meantime Ill go to the dentist. I am still going back and forth on whether or not I want to do this again... but I think im still dealing with the emotional rollercoaster I just got off. Why would I want to ride again? I know I will one day but ill see how I feel once I talk to my doctor.

 I know this process and journey so far has made me appreciate and thank god more for Grayson. At least I had Grayson, thats what we've always said but after this last month its been even more true. Yes there are things I would have done different, alot actually, but hes MINE and for the last year of his life I didnt have to even share, hes mommas baby. He sleeps with me and gives me lots of kisses... I got to experience all this, and I havent had to miss any big steps in his life so at least I had that too.  And if he is the only one I will ever have I will never adopt no matter how much I want a bigger family. Grayson will just be held high on a pedestal and be oneeeeee spoiled baby.

Today WAS the day.....

Sad sad day..... I got my 1st beta blood test today and it came back negative. :*( I lost it before I even knew what it was.... I lost something I was soooo sure that I had! I was so sure that this had happened that I had bought my first pregnancy scrub top, I had picked up that babies r us newborn gift tote, and was seriously only worried about if this test was going to show if I had conceived twins or not. I cried harder today then I have in a very long time, harder then when Ben was deployed. My mother had stayed over at the right time, and was there to talk reason and to listen to me blabber thru tears of why me's... even though I know somewhat why. I have health issues that cant be ignored like I had hoped it could be....my "high school sweetheart" gave me HPV that was a cancerous strand that numerous times has popped up on me, one time I got surgery and the other time I was pregnant with Grayson and chose not to do anything about. He is the reason I have the worst issues right now, and there is nothing I can do about it. I was cheated on in HIGH SCHOOL, during one of those changes in life that shouldnt SHAPE your entire future... from one person - I am now going thru the hardest times. Now, I honestly cannot just blame him obviously there were also things I did (besides getting back with the douche bag) but I chose for a year to not get it looked at again after Grayson, and it found its way into my uterus. The denial of  "teenagers do not get cancer" "I am only 22 this is my fertile time, this is my prime, this cant happen to me" got the best of me and now im sitting here broken hearted from my first failed IUI. I guess this blog couldnt just be 9 entries long and things move forward, thats not my luck. The most heartbreaking part is I WAS SO SURE!!! Today was the day, and I had said that 5 times to the nurses, I just knew I was pregnant. But.... im not :( so I am faced with the decision to move forward and try again or to give it a break for a month... we all know what ill probably end up doing, Ill move forward and do this again with high hopes it will be my time....but this has been one of the most emotional journeys I have ever been on. From cancer, to surgery, to infertility, to now another possible miscarriage. I am scared I am going to be double over in pain in a few days after I stop these medications. I am afraid I am going to do another cycle and miss work again for nothing, I am afraid this journey will only end in the position I am in currently with only bad news. I am blessed I was given Grayson though, at least I got him if anything, I love him more today then I did when he was born, and I didnt think that was possible, so no matter what this journey will never be first priority and it will never hurt as bad as if I lost Grayson. My mom called this a small hump I have to overcome, a setback, today it feels like a brick wall.... so Ill see how I feel after this period is over with and go from there. It does hurt worse then I thought it would..... :(